Hyper Blonde Rubberband

2008-06-11T11:13:00.001-07:00

It's a wonderful life when
all your dreams are made
I got the message long before you said you knew
There was a time we had so little
But you sit there silent, folded arms
here comes the big shot
a window you see through a haze
a memory with nothing to show
i can't bring myself around to write an excuse this time
Never giving into pressure from the outside
your fake character never builds
crestfallen holding a drooping flower bouquet

_______________________________________________

In Life's private apocalypse
the obvious things escape your attention.
we are nowhere because we have nothing and no one.

On the surface of this desert land
across the dull smoked glass there is a silent canvas
that shimmers with hope and desire.
Troubling eyes colonize magnificent smears of protest
where the answer to everything reflects off your breath.

gape, grin, laugh out loud
Your natural impulses are yearning to be released.
for life once dedicated to the heart
is now dedicated to the sale
life has been a riddle suspended animation
lavishly illustrated swallowed in by quicksand.

Fall to your knees.
Shake your head wonderment
Headlamps and moonlight light the way
to a world that enjoys not war but a global orgy
wrapped up in meaningful magic
of rhythm, soul and rock an roll

Untitled work

2008-05-20T00:20:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking back and loving every moment I had.
dream baby for me, ill be waiting here for you.
A glare that comes from the sun
Some odd days I get carried away and I'm dreaming
logical reasoning is something you should shoot for.

i look alive im dead inside, my heart has holes
dream for all these problems
It was more than popularity.
I won't allow it. I won't let it happen.
I've only heard one in a million words.

im as clean as they come when im fixing my soul
im up and down again. im losing all my friends. but its all right.
So break this frame and let the glass drip down your face.

a bad habit a heart shut
It's more than a scar. It's a lifetime you left.
goodbye to all those sweet kisses
is it wrong to want to walk away?

Must Read List

2008-05-04T14:44:00.000-07:00

Below is a list of books that I want to read next (in no particular order)
Please let me know if you have any suggestions on other good books I should/must read :D
Does anyone happen to have any of the ones below and are willing to let me borrow it, I lost my library card :[

Thanks!

The Violent Bear it Away [by Flannery O'Connor
Without a name under the Tongue [by Yvonne Vera
Asiatics: A Novel [by Frederic Prokosch
The Rest Is Noise [by Alex Ross
Savage Detectives [by Roberto Bolano
Hard Times and High Spirits [by Mildred Armstrong
Then We Came To an End [by Joshua Ferris
A Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness [by Kay Redfield Jamison
Best American Nonrequired Reading [by Sufjan Stevens/David Eggers
The Neon Bible [by John Kennedy Toole
Managing Ignatius: The Lunacy Of Lucky Dogs and Life in New Orleans [by Jerry Strahan
Screams For the Balcony [by Charles Bukowski
Dangling in the Tournefortia [by Charles Bukowski
Lemon Tree: An Arab, a Jew and the Heart of the Middle East [by Sandy Tolan
Doctor Zhivago [by Boris Pasternak
One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich [by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
Being and Nothingness [by Jean-Paul Sartre
Existentialism and Human Emotions [by Jean-Paul Sartre
De La Mettrie's Ghost [by Chris Nunn
Master and Margarita [by Mikhail Bulgakov
The Stranger [by Albert Camus
Man Without a Country [by Kurt Vonnegut
Lazarus Project [by Alesksandar Hemon
Beijing Coma [by Ma Jin
An Anthropologist On Mars: Seven Paradoxical Tales [by Oliver Sacks
What it Was [by David Eggers
Heart Like Water [by Joshua Clark
When Smoke Ran Like Water [by Devra Davis
Moon in a Dewdrop [By Eihei Dogen
Without A Map: A Memoir [by Mereidth Hall
A Brief Tour of Human Consciousness: From Impostor Poodles to Purple Numbers [by V. S. Ramachandran
Everything Is Miscellaneous: The Power of the New Digital Disorder [by David Weinberger
Freedom for the Thought That We Hate: A Biography of the First Amendment [by anthony Lewis
Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace.. One School at a Time [by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin
We Tell Ourselves Stories in Order to Live: Collected Nonfiction [by Jon Didion
I am a Strange Loop [By Douglas R. Hofstadter
Strangers To Oursleves:Discovering The Adaptive Unconscious [by Timothy D. WIlson

INDY Is MY HERO

2008-04-16T22:36:00.001-07:00

Street Fighter II - The World Warrior

2008-04-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

I just bought Street Fighter II - The World Warrior
The arcade game that takes quarters :)
From the local pizza place.. Dude I grew up playing on the exact console I bought
At Rays Pizza!
It will look like this.. but obviously for Street Fighter II - The World Warrior

It was only 400 bucks and they are delivering it for free!!!

Hell fucking yess
Imma set it up so you don't need to use quarters
Ahha

Bright lights of america video shoot

2008-04-03T10:15:00.001-07:00

Oh man, how to begin talking about yesterday and it’s insanity! Broken bones, Eagle Man aka Louie Bones, roller derby girls, war of the worlds, rap battles, Coach Morello, Anti-Flag, satire, face paint, insanity, screaming, singing .. oh and the list goes on and on..
Shooting from around 8am - 12:30am.
Kira and I woke up at 5am to get ready and leave to head up to LA, we had no idea what to really wear, do our hair, or what to expect.
I got there wearing a corset, and a short pink parachute skirt with fishnets apparently everyone.. or most people seemed to like it. We were called in for makeup and got awesome flags/sports fan type make up painted on our faces, We had to be blood thirsty sports fans, ahaha this will me amazing to see what the final product will look like and how they’ll portray us. ahaha. great.

Then we waited around for a while, then started filming as cazy insane, spitting, screaming, yelling cursing, fans, to start the day, which I wish they did at the end of the shoot, when everyone was delirious and not so awkward. Any who, we stopped shooting the close ups of our blood thirsty-ness.
The the beginning of the screaming, cheering, cursing and the derby war of the worlds death match began :D

Around 11:30 Anti-Fl;ag showed up (since that’s when their plane arrived from texas) and so louie introduced me to them and Chris 2 was talking up the upcoming shoots he was thinking of, which I really would like to participate in/think is brilliant.
We started filming even more crazyness of the Roller derby girls kicking fucking ass, whomat the end of the day, there were broken collar bones, ribs, arms, wrists, legs, noses, and cheeks, and I am not even mentioning the bruises, fractures, or sprains. We had a surprise guest/cameo come in and wow, holy shit a god in the eyes of music, whose is also on Guitar Hero video games!

We filmed from 7 AM and finally got a break for lunch at 1:30PM for lunch for 30 min which apparently was told to us it would happen at 11ish and they brought in pizzas 4 small pizzas that.. were each 36 inches in diameter (and thats the small size!) during the break Chris 2 and Justin and the surprise guest filmed an interview for MTV news that should be out next week!! *eeps* and who knows if the video will air then or if we were also in Making the Video.. After the interview Louie introduced me to two of his friends whom I am completely blanking out on their names. Kira and I were dragged back to start filming again, more cheering, screaming, singing, and close up shots as well as more crashing/smashing of the roller derby girls, over and over and over again while Anti-flag flag started "playing" take after take after take, sometimes the full song would play, soimetims i t was a op partial. I swear I do not want to hear that song for a long time, ahaha, but that will be over tomorrow i bet ahaha.

I became really close with everyone who was in my section we all were going delirious together cracking jokes, cracking puns and saying things that connotated to other things. sadly I forgot to get everyone’s numbers since my phone died early on, but I want to chill with all of you guys asap, prob see most of you guys on Sunday.

Pat, Justin and Chris kept on coming over and taking to us and couldn’t thank us enough for coming and staying till the end and being apart of our one big happy family. Pat came out and made fun of the signs saying one of them was so "vanilla" because all the signs were like Rip their limbs off, ram into them, kill kill kill, then there was the sign that just said SKATE.. kinda really funny. I guess you had to be there type of thing.

.We didn’t get a dinner break till 9pm or was it 10pm. I love how it was supposed to be one shot, and then a break for 20minn, two hours later we finally went on break all delirious, coughing up blood or living with hoarse throats. We had more ginormous pizza, and chocolate pieces/cookies took pictures with the band for their pages, fans, memories. mtv, etc and we got copies of fake newspaper issues the made.... After our 20 -30min break we went back to work and didn’t end up leaving till 12:30am to film the finial few scenes/opening scene of the video with Louie aka eagle man :D (the guy on the over of their new cd) and yea which that one take that couldn’t be redone was all lies!!! We filed it for around 2 hours ahaha.

I give MAD MAD probs to the derby girls
and the few fans that stayed till the end.

my voice is gone, we all ended up coughing up blood from screaming/yelling/ cheering so loud.

Thanks again to Louie, Kira and Anti-Flag to making yesterday amazing.

and to whom ever else i met I had a blast, six flags meet up anyone?

2008-04-03T02:49:00.000-07:00

just got back from a 19 hour video shoot

update to come after sleep

2008-03-29T19:12:00.001-07:00

Earth hour is not propaganda, though it may seem like it.

Not only is it an attempt to raise awareness over energy consumption it's also goes to show how overly dependent we are on electricity, to the point it's disgusting on how much we consume, even small things we don't even think about such as running a refrigerator, using a computer, garage doors, etc, running the heater or air-conditioning

You can live without TV for a night, without lights for an hour, without the microwave, without your video games and without your computers, without charging your phones, without playing music, without going to the movies, without eating out....
Use this time to actually TALK face to face with people, read a book in front of the fireplace, have a candle-lit dinner, play board games or card games, be a kid again and build forts, run around, get off your asses and play OUTSIDE. have fun.

2008-03-29T16:11:00.000-07:00

2008-03-28T22:35:00.000-07:00

Disappointment. Being stood up and let down by our best friend is hard. Kira and I have been planning a trip to Monterey Bay Aquarium this weekend for the past month - two months because the penguin exhibit just reopened on the 17th and I have a 3 day weekend, so it's perfect, plus I have been needing to get out of So. Cal and embrace the nice opened beautiful crisp air of nor cal plus we'd go to San Fran and go to the store Kid Robot on Haight St. and Ashbury St.
and we even talked last night about it, but today she got to drunk so now we can't go.

I am soo hurt and sad and feel let down, This trip something I have been looking forward to for months! I mean me +penguins + Monterey Bay Aquarium + Winchester Mystery House + Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum + comic book/artwork store in san fran..= amazing priceless words can't express it

:(

IN SHOCK

2008-03-24T02:21:00.000-07:00

IN SHOCK

Yesterday (Saturday) I was asked to create artwork that will be displayed at a nationwide fundraiser event for both MY Fat with Fat and Multiple sclerosis Foundations.

I am still in shock, I never thought I was that good, especially worthy enough to have my work displayed in front of hundreds/thousands of people, HUGE events.

I am still in shock and just wow.

yet another

2008-03-22T17:02:00.000-07:00

Broken memories of yesteryear burn to cinders
eyes smolder and become lost in the crimson sunset
as the golden hues fades away into the distant horizon.
Sit and watch the moon rise high in the sky
it's refection as it shimmers
onto the rippling crystal water below
I will follow you into a land of lullabies

we'll rise above sin and sorrow;
treck across lost words and faded promises;
run through the Valley of Dead Shadows;
and take a leap of faith far far away.
Escaping this dead western night that
rests open lands of lost dreams.

As our hands intertwine
we'll build a new world where
every word uttered is the truth
and true love never ends.
Lets bring truth to these lullabies
and shake life up till the end of time.

old poems i wrote

2008-03-22T11:52:00.000-07:00

-land of lost -
The land of the lost rest on the valley of shadows of death,
hearts with hand guns bleed their black love lost tears
while resting upon these fallen broken angel wings.
These paper heart promises ripple in the wind
and burn in agony waiting for a sign
that their love will be mended.

- Sleep -
Through pills and advice it's been
five days and counting without sleep
In a flash whispers turn into screams
everything seems to be falling apart,
trapped in a fake sound of progress
stuck in a world that worships lies.

sandpaper and salt are all i need
to scrape away the illusions that
perfection runs on silence.
If all else fails my nightmares are taking over me;
scared to sleep just like those kids on Elm Street
someone is using me like the rook in the game of Chess
An evil game playing my heart and mind for keeps.
Destruction somehow has become my only friend.

-Book of Good Name -
I keep a book of good names
to those I know I can trust
and turn to in those times of need
Do i have to tell you no one ever shuts up to listen
to the warning cries of others?
The media is the destroyer
They all think we are disposable,
who walk around like androids
on our hands and knees
at the beck and call of others.
Let's burn the truth away
so they can sleep and drift off
into perfect little dreamlands
of the lavish life of materialism.
They are the ones against the underdogs
who fight for the decline and death of the less fortunate
and the rise of the snobby inhumane civilians.
Media is the destroyer of our human existence.

- Vices -
Clawing, fighting, reaching. Gasping for air
Trying to find the way out of my life in hell
Regret has become my favorite friend
my infliction is no longer fiction.
I despise the person I have become
with so much to offer and a heart of gold
I've locked myself up and put me on hold.

Just like Sarah Winchester's house
I'm setting stairways of goals with no where to go
letting doors of opportunities fall to the ground
Screaming at the top of my lungs
for the past can't be undone
Years and moments forever lost
Become apart of history's mysteries.

Slave to my own vice
not worth the price
I've tasted my own bane
Fee me from these chains
Lend me your helping hands
burn my profligate lifestyle
hear my once silent heart roar
life is in my hands once more.

- Thrills and Spills-
I laugh in the face of danger
For the risk of failure
is the spice of life
Live, love and learn
No more regrets it's just a wasted breath
The choices you made
May not be seen now just you wait
Life's butterfly effect will unfold
Play itself out onto others or yourself
Life is a bumpy ride
an adventure to call your own
a continuous roller coaster ride
thrills, spills, ups and downs
laugh, scream, sing
never let go,
let your emotions show
You get only one shot. one chance.
So make the most of it and take a stance
ignore the negative opinions of others
always be your positive self

2008-03-21T02:26:00.000-07:00

i need you so bad. i need you to dig out the inner parts
of that are dying to get out but are repressed
by years of soil covering dead dreams.
i want to leave my worries and troubles of my past
and make a beautiful future with just you and i.

im so scared and worried and frightened.
my plights are undistinguishable.
i have no idea what im doing and
how i'm going to make it there without losing it.
but i'm going to do it. nothings going to stop

Joystick
My heart has been toggled like a joystick
bending falling moving.
Not sure which way to go
Which way to say.

Should I follow the path I am on
or take a turn
moving towards an unknown destination
With no one by my side
No on there to touch

Falling Faster, Deeper, Stronger
Screams become silent
Ears are covered
I am alone, wrapped up in solitude
in a cold dark cell
that is my mind

Death
hold on close to the ones you love
for you may not know when their time is up.
Death plays an evil game, taking lives away.
They slip and fall, away from our eyes
No longer able to feel their touch, the warmth of their skin.
We think, ponder,question of what we last said to them
Did we say what we really felt? or say things out of anger?
We pray, we pleed that our final words were not of hate.
Look into yourself, have you lived life to its fullest?
Live each day as if it were your last
Final words of love not hate
for you never know when your time is up.
Through death, you realize how much people mean to you.
Darkness falls upon our tortued souls.

2008-03-19T18:52:00.001-07:00

While everyone worries their lives away
We elude from the cacophony of the flickering city lights,
Down to the ocean's crashing waves
across the barren desert
up the winding mountain road

Hungry
from the start like a jaguar in the dark
your crimson green eyes send a sweet chill down my spine.
Just as musicians paint their pictures on silence,
our breath paints pictures on the quiet midnight sky

Listen
as our song spoils the quiet and sets the sky on fire
It's perfect the smoldering sounds
create flowing images with each passing note.

farrr from being completed... just wanted to post a rough draft

Just You Wait

2008-03-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

"Just You Wait!"
Just you wait...
you'll see
it'll be perfect
like i wish to be

and you'll be shy
and i'll be softspoken
but we will feel it
as our hearts are awoken

and i'll pass a smile
and you will catch a glance
and inside we will both hope
we have a chance

to be in one anothers arms
for as long as we can comprehend
and to make it more real
than anyone could pretend

so tomorrow we will wake
and journey forth to a new discovery
and im hoping i can show you
"how beautiful the world can be"

I tried so hard, to ignore it
and I try so hard, not to care
The distance that's between us
is getting too much to bare
I want to kiss and hold you
and feel the warmth of your touch
Knowing right now that I can't
is hurting me so damn much

Why did you say you liked me?
Tell me, why did you say you cared?
Now that we have started this
I'm getting a little scared
I never should have admitted
the way you make me feel
It shows me more than ever
That this is really real

I don't have all the answers
to what's really happening here
But to pass up this one chance
and never know... is now my biggest fear
As I sit here debating
wondering what to do
I know without a doubt
that I truly care about you

oh man I've ben skimming though my livejournal.

MEMOIRES ahhaha (11th Grade 2003) Talking about my American Experience class (free form debate/discussion
Mr. Kessler asked "does anyone have anyother type of animals..not the typical kind?" So again I raised my hand and mentioned that I have rescued 4 desert tortoises, well.. two tortoises whom had babies. Then this girl spoke out,somewhat interrupting me and said "OO! I have crabs!!" we all of course turned out heard instantly and looked at her giving her a very confused look in disbelief , and we were all... in shock... and we were all like "WHAT!?!??!?!" and she's like "i have crabs".. and mr. kessler said "um.. im not sure if you really should be sharing this...." and shes like "um.. i have 4 crabs, I got them from Fashion Island".... yea so after a few minutes we all finally realized that she had those hermit crabs that you can buy that are spray painted and stuff (which i dont think is all that right.. but yea) and then we found out she has to make them work out every day.. i almost fell over when she said that.. because she wasn't kidding around.
then Tyler yelled out "Ive seen someone walk their bunny and mouse before with a leash and everything, taking them for a stroll"...

fade to dust at the touch of something beautiful

2008-03-17T20:13:00.000-07:00

To me music is the only universal language shared around the world. No matter where you live or what language you speak music units individuals making everyone equal regardless of your race, creed, sexual preference , religion, gender..etc. Musicians paint their pictures on silence, the perfect combination of notes/sounds to create flowing images with each passing note. Music is a way to express one's self with each note/chord floating through the air sends emotions and tickles all five senses heart, allowing the listener to feel what the artist was going through at time of it's composition. Music in a sense is all around, no matter where you turn, music is in the air, whether its the birds chirping, or the wind blowing and rustling the trees, or even the turn signals in your car.

fade to dust at the touch of something beautiful

Lost
in this broken world
I fight
for my rights
stand
true to what I believe.
Falling
apart as my dreams shatter
blowing
away in the desert wind
I Fade to dust

pain and danger
Trapped on a one man island.
pain is all you've ever known
hate, terror, torture, solitude
Forget what you've heard
recognize what you see.
Conquer yourself
look at your imperfections
gather and embrace them
climb the ladder of hope
not the mountain's peak

Oil Slicked Jealousy

2008-03-16T18:23:00.000-07:00

I just hydroplaned my car getting on a freeway
I drifted to the right so i guess I over corrected myself as I tuned the wheel to the left and somehow spun around 3 times flew across 3 lanes of traffic and went up a 25 foot dirt hill spun around like 1-2 times up there and landed facing the opposite direction
thank god no other cars were around, and thank god I only spun in circles and didn't roll over, if I did, i would be dead.

but as soon as i finished my spinning I was hysterical/in shock as other cars were getting on the on ramp.. and of course .... rubbernecking.
Oddly only one car- one guy stopped to ask if I was okay and asked if i needed any help, He helped get my car out of this dirt/mud pile (if you have seen My Cousin Vinny.. you'll know what type of predicament my car was in).
Thank goodness for him!

So I got off at the next exit and pulled into a parking lot to catch my breath and check out the car. My car looked as if i had gone off-roading but all in all no damage minus a rock lodged in between my back tire and the hub cap on he passenger side; which ended up giving me a flat tire.

Phew, thank goodness no one was around.

Anywho.....
On Friday I went up to LA for my friends movie world premier for the movie, Sick Girl. I not only knew majority of the actors but also knew/am friends with the director Eben McGarr. I worked with all of them on their other horror film, filmed in an abandoned hospital :D, which for all you video game lovers, this hospital was the one that gave inspiration and was recreated in the original Silent Hill video game!!
The night was fun! I was going to talk to Eben about putting my friend, Chad's music in the soundtrack of his next film but of course drama had to fill the night.
(removed to protect my friend from ms. coo coo)

anywho
Fuck Drama
Fuck Oil Slicks
Fuck unnecessary ills that plague and pollute our society/generation/world.
Fuck jealousy and crazy bitches

Be Happy.
Think positive

juxtaposition (new version)

2008-03-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

Don't count every hour in the day
As you laugh, someone cries,
as you live, somebody dies
While you rejoice other mourn
Some love while some hate
One will fall as one will rise

Judged by appearance, and misspoken words,
Not the content of one's character, just by what you heard
No man can learn the value of his life without feeling pain.
yet, no human deserves a life of pain.

Feel the fire from our hearts, the flames of our desires
Let us praise the colonizers of dreams
it's the risk of failure that makes life worth living
For no one is setting a path for us to follow,
determined to find what we're searching for

Those days when life opened its new doors
Cause the simple moments they add up
like a shining sentiment where voices soar
Something no one could take from us

Some see the glass half empty,others half full
Define yourself by the choices you make
You decide it's your only way
Life is entanglement of juxtapositions
death is life's changing agent

Mislead and forced to serve for another's crooked faith
Like an angel's heart given flight by a demon
To weak think for ourselves
our opinions' , our inner voice's replaced by other's.
we become imprisoned by the dogmas of life
We sleepwalk our lives away.

Don't let the bitter fruit sour your breath or mind
Think positive don't loose faith
Only one book to write, yet countless stories to tell
There is only you, and you alone
Participate and contribute to society

Everyone is imperfect embrace flaws
they are what make you unique
Let your presence light in the hearts of everyone you meet
Never sell yourself sort, never settle
Be interested in everything and everybody

One can only connect the dots by looking into the past
Never regret if it's good it's wonderful; if it's bad it's experience
Learn and find strength from what remains behind

As the old to make way for the new
breathe easy my friend.
'cuz there is no escaping
breathe easy my friend.
as old to make way for the new
never give up, never let go of something you
can't go a day without thinking about
For it is the unsacrificed self that we must respect in man above all.

make every hour in the day count

Be Silent Be sTill

2008-03-12T09:43:00.001-07:00

A silence where no sound may be
There is something to calm your fears
for silence affects everyone in the end.
Our bodies are prisons cells for our souls
Skin and blood our iron bars of confinement
It's not easy to look at your heart for
Eyes that catch the light, burn up our insides.

you long for the happiness that day will bring, where
every shadow no matter how deep is threatened
by morning light, imagination, memory, and laughter
Without eyes still seeing are always singing out

Conversations are oceans apart butterflies with wings of glass
sewn words untangle with time Smiles set fire to the bluest of days
In these echoes of silence, I can hear the angels sing,

Live Life while you can make the most of it live live with no regrets
As forever fades away in these echoes of silence,
Wrap it carefully round avoiding all entanglements
Everything is so finite but that’s what makes
time and each specific moments so important.

( a work in progress)

hmmmm

2008-03-09T17:54:00.000-07:00

hand in hand. eye to eye. let's mourn the loss of our so called fairytale romance. place the roses on the casket. Wipe those tears from you eyes paint on a plastic coy smile as you drown yourself in bottles of vodka. this just wasn't the life for you. black was never your color.
you shouldn't be held down by the ties that love can bring. so take this razor from my hand and carve away all your thoughts of me. So we will no longer crave each other, never miss our supposedly perfect fairytale romance. Never have to return to our home nor our bed.
place the roses on the casket. Turn your back and walk away. this funeral for our old best friend is coming to an end. just go just walk away. and ttake this razor from my hand and carve away all your thoughts of me so i'll never see your face again. i'll never miss our memories and never wonder who is laying with you in our old bed

(currently untitled)

W4 O1 R1 D2 S1

2008-03-08T11:52:00.000-08:00

"I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's ok to say, 'I have diarrhea,' is when you're playing Scrabble...because it's worth a shitload of points." - Zack Galifianakis

S₁ Q₁₀ U₁ E₁ E₁ Z₁₀ E₁
BINGO!!
120 points.. first word of the game. Hell yes! (one of the words i used)

F₄
R₁
R E T I N A
E Z₁₀
D Z₁₀
C L₁
A E₁
R O B E D₂

360 point word + 50 pts for BINGO + plus 8pts (adding onto probe) 418 points!!!! holy fuck
pure fucking luck

Almost any sport/game can be played in (usually) two ways either recreationally or competitively. Whether it's a leisure game of tag with your friends and neighbors, or you may find yourself running in the darkness of the night, praying you wont be smack/punched down and tagged. whatever the variation it's still the same sport, only the intensity has changed. Same rules can be applied to the game Scrabble as well. You can play for fun with your Grandma, or you can play for victory against your crazy neighbor who seems to eat dictionaries for breakfast.I honestly LOVE playing scrabble. I used to play it everyday with my boyfriend at the time (now ex). I admit I even own the Scrabble Dictionary, when we got extremely competitive in the game we would use it to disprove or prove the legality of a word. We'd end up scoring each around 250+ in a single game. not including the few instances in which we (or one of us) both got bingos (where you use all 7 tiles) in a game; for those who don't know calling BINGO (with a valid word) is automatically 50 points on top of whatever score the word earned you, or the best is when you get a BINGO by adding on to another word, especially if you place a tile on the triple word score, which is rare but incredibly high scoring.
There is just something about the game of Scrabble that makes it such an amazing game, at least in my eyes anyway. Not only does it make you think and learn but it also stirs up almost every emotion. Excitement when you see a perfect spot to play some of your letters, that would just kill the competition; sadness when someone plays in that spot; defeat/stress (in a way) when you constantly keep picking/getting consonant from the bag -or- you have like almost every 1 point letter and your hope you can win by those two letter words; glory when you see you can use all seven tiles; confusion when you think your playing a high scoring word only to know it wasn't worth shit.
I love playing Scrabble, but it's hard to find someone to play with majority of the people I know can't stand the game. I know that there are some Scrabble- like games/ways to play online like through Yahoo! games, but for some unknown reason, it's not the same (obviously), Scrabble is one of those games that must be played in person with the board in front of you. Don't get me wrong I love playing computer/video games especially via xboxlive, but not this game.

Don't tell Chaucer that chivalry is dead

2008-03-04T08:49:00.000-08:00

(a work in progress)

Don't tell Chaucer that chivalry is dead
Those acts of courtly love, ___ are ancient history.
those days are gone, the __ have arrived
The story of my life! but
I'll pick up, where those guys left off
cuz who says a girl can't practice chivalry?
it's all about the attitude, your view of the world

enjoy every moment, it's the best day of your life
for you don't know when this could be the end

smile laugh and love everyone whom you meet
leave an impression that goes down in the books
touch their souls, mend their hearts,
be yourself and you'll become ____

never regret, when the tough gets going---
it's good, bad, wonderful, experience
Life is an exciting adventure
always remember to dream,------

Don't tell Chaucer that chivalry is dead
Those acts of courtly love, ___ are ancient history.

enjoy every moment, it's the best day of your life
for you don't know when this could be the end

three years and five days. Mutilated.

2008-02-28T15:21:00.000-08:00

"Wake up!." I told myself. "Why cant I move? ... What is going on? .... why am I sweating? ... No. No. No. This can't be happening!! I must... must be having a nightmare." The stifling hot air made it nearly impossible to breath, with each gasping breath tears flowed from my closed eyes. " Oooohhhh myyyyy goddddd OUUUCHHHHHHH, holy fucking. owwwwwieee shitt!" Words can not describe the horrible pain I was enduring, it felt as though I was a Thanksgiving turkey being sliced, diced, and carved to serve its drooling guests. "This must be a nightmare, this is a nightmare!... Only a dream... everything will be alright.. just open your eyes, and this will all go away. My friends are here, everything is safe, everything is fine." I reassured myself with each breath i took there was a faint after taste of cooper/iron...a faint taste/smell of blood filled the still air. I used every ounce of strength to open my eyes, "I think i can I think i can i think i can." finally my eyes flung open. The room was dark, and deathly still, the air was calm.. to calm.. "twas the middle of the night when Miss Clavel turns on her light and says, 'Something is not right,'" I mumbled to myself. A deathly sharp wave of pain rippled through my body. I heard the springs of my bed snap, as I looked forward I saw a shadow of a person crawling coming towards me, the full moon reflected of what seemed to be a meat cleaver... I screamed.. but no sound came out. I tried to get away but could not move. I was trapped in a perpetual nightmarish hell hole. I prayed that I was dreaming of those 'you choose the ending' or what happens next books we all read as kids... but no.. I was one of those girls we all read about in newspapers, heard about on the news and just gasped, everything that was happening to me real, this was no fantasy world, no matter how much I wish it could be true, I couldn't chose a new ending, I was dreading I was going to end up tomorrow's headline. "Whyy? why me?" My eyes felt like Niagara Falls as tears flowed from my eyes. I couldn't move but could feel everything everything that was being done to me and there was nothing I could do to save or protect myself .. I was being mutilated, violently and brutally raped, my innocent ripped shreds, my soul shattered into a million pieces, you could hear my pride and dignity fly out of the room. Slowly this man's face merged from the shadows, his face being lit by the moon, his sweaty body rubbed against mine as he slowly climbed on top of me. "JAMES?.. no.. no.. what? no.. this isn't.. it couldn't.. no no no my best friend would never... no! I am just seeing things.. going crazy, no.. he's my protector not my mutilator." I cried as James's eyes locked with mine, the boy whom I've been best friends with for over 10 years, the boy I grew up with, everything all the good memories we shared seemed to vanish, my heart sunk and shattered a million times over, my world exploded. It wasn't him looking back at me, yes it was James, but his eyes, the man behind the eyes, was someone else, a beast.
The door flung open, in comes my friend Katie, screaming and charging towards the bed she pushes James off me and knocks him unconscious. Seconds after her eyes turn to me, her hand immediately covers her dropped jaw she screamed in horror and cried, and said what sounded like a broken record "OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG melissa! omg! and rushed to the phone and calls an ambulance, police, and even tried to get the whole swat team over. Still trapped in a paralytic state unable to move, unable to talk I was in the worst pain of my life, not only physically but mentally every inch of my body screamed of utter pain, I was mutilated by my best fucking friend, double whammy. When the paramedics arrived I was laying in a pool of my own blood, sweat, and tears. I found out later that not only was raped but apparently this fucker stuck a knife or meat cleaver up me and tore my insides to shreds, I had to get stitches, around 40 - 80 I believe[i am okay now], was given a rape test (which.. for the record is the most humiliating thing ever.. i almost kicked the nurse in the face, How do they honestly expect someone who had just had their pride torn form them to allow someone to touch you, to in a way reenact the horror. With each question the detectives asked I was brought back to a few hours earlier, forced to relive it over and over and over again. For the next two weeks, I remained in a catatonic state from the shock of what just happened to me.
Finally after a few months I was able to kinda sorta talk about it.. but it wasn't easy. I was in therapy, and also volunteered at a the hospital and the battered woman and children's center (still do) to help girls who have been in my situation as well as to warn of these girls to help them never to get into a similar situation.

I never will be the same girl I was before this happened, but I won't or at least will try not to let it ruin my life, I don't want him to have "victory." he doesn't deserve to have that much of an impact on the rest of my life. I'll admit, it is now hard for me to trust guys 100%, when i get intimate, sometimes I get flashbacks and cry because of the flashbacks... yes i know this sounds utterly pathetic, but there is nothing I can do about it, no matter how hard i try to block out the memories, they still come back to haunt me.

It's been three years and five days later, I still have flashbacks of this night, certain smells trigger memories, I can't watch someone getting or pretending to get raped on TV/ Movies, i mean I can, but it's hard and I'll start to cry.

(To be continued)

Thinking in Guitar Hero and Rock Band

2008-02-26T16:07:00.000-08:00

"OMG! Don't you agree that this song would be perfect/so much fun to play on Guitar Hero (or Rock band)!?..." *arms in air guitar mode* ".. can't you just picture playing this song?" *begin playing air guitar hero guitar* "red.. yellow.. orange.. red.. blue.. blueyellowredyellowblue.. double note red and orange.. hold it reddddddddddddddddddd blllllluuuueeeeeeeee greeeennnnnnn....."(all while making the sound for the game as well, i would give you an example.. but some of those sounds.. are.. impossible to type :p ) Call me crazy but; why does it seem that once you play GH or Rock Band after a few times it seems like you think in that mode, with every song you hear you can picture the notes/playing it in the game.? Okay well maybe it's just my friends and me who does(do) it; yet again we cosh a.k.a. car mosh as well as break out into spontaneous car dance parties, blast classical music and rock out to it (yes it actually makes everyone in the surrounding cars laugh and smile and some even join in), Mia and I get down with our country music, Kira and I go crazy.. to... well.. pretty much anything and everything. It's quite a sight I must say, but hell at least we keep the tone fun, fresh and full of laughter, there's never a dull moment with us.

Currently our Rock Band name is the Annexation of Puerto Rico .. but sadly it's taken on the live mode so we were also thinking of The Last Action Hero's, Double Double Toil and Trouble.. and so on and so forth.. yes we sound like we straight out of Vh1's World Series of Pop Culture.. but what is wrong with reminiscing on the things/movies/phrases we grew up on? we still have yet to have a singer for our "band". haha. this game is amazing, though we are probably the laziest band ever, we play siting down.. me practically laying down (or contorting myself into.. whatever)... yet again it is sad that we have these band video games and kids are focusing a lot of their time and energy into becoming pro at the GH guitar instead of actually learning to play an ACTUAL guitar (you know.. one that has strings and you play cords/notes instead of buttons?.. okay so I am preaching to the choir here, but at least I can play the banjo and piano.. and the recorder.. hell yes! haha.

As I said in a previous blog.. our world is turning into a different place, we grew up living for recess in school, spending as much time as humanly possible outdoors playing contact sports, building forts or tree houses, climbing trees, biking off into the sunset, running around, tether-ball (remember how much is Fuc*ing hurt to get smacked in the head with that ball?), handball, 7up, ultimate Frisbee, capture the flag, dodgeball, kickball..etc now... kids still do all of this.. yet instead of experiencing this first hand they do in a virtual world.... Don't get me wrong.. I am a nerd and play video games too I own NES, Atarti (now broken), N64, PS2, and xbox live.
We're the last generation to use Polaroid camera's, film cameras, cord phones (before one could "walk and talk", cassette tapes, VHS movies and even use VCRs (you know how frickn hard it is to find a VCR these days?), even vinyl records are becoming obsolete.

For all you hockey fans out there.. I am going to the majority of the follow Duck Games, I may be able to get around 5 extra FREE tickets to see this game, due to the fact that the guy who owns the ducks is who the school i work for is named after, so on occasion they hand out free tickets

Mar 2, 2007 HOME Sharks
Mar 4, 2007 HOME Predators
Mar 7, 2007 HOME Coyotes
Mar 9, 2007 HOME Oilers
Mar 11, 2007 HOME Canucks
Mar 14, 2007 HOME Blue Jackets
Mar 16, 2007 HOME Blackhawks
Mar 18, 2007 HOME Kings

Just so happens the guy who the school/department I work for (my head boss), owns the Ducks, so *high fives* for free Hockey tickets... yes I am chick.. yes I like hockey, so be it! I like to watch MMA, football, basketball and go to baseball games as well.

I am a world traveled blonde hair green eyed girl. I spent my summers in my house in Mexico or traveling with my dad as he gave lectures about the 4th dimension around the world, or spent it in the humid south in Elizabethton, Tennessee (far NE part of the state). I spent my time there having "tea" (id just drink soda aka pop) parties with my grandma (the just for fun kind nothing fancy), running around the river/lake/pond (whatever it was) and feeding the ducks.. yess... this was the second time I got bit on the cheek by an Ostrich (first time was in Switzerland) *chuckles*, having her teach me to play the banjo and the piano, laying in bed at night and having her come in and we'd count the number of lights on the trucks that passed and see if we could beat last nights totals.
Youth is the land of innocence

Woah! totally sidetracked myself and went far off on a tangent.. I think I need to step into my teleport(-er) to get back to where I was.

Woah.. oh no

2008-02-26T10:32:00.000-08:00

Alert! Alert! I have finally gone and done it; something not many people expected would happen but alas it has. I have cracked and crumbled and am awaiting someone to catch me rolling down this mountainous mess; I am in lack of better words a complete monstrosity. Everything that I have been bottling up for god knows how long has finally caused me to crumble. It's to the point that I don't even know exactly why I am sad or feeling this way, it's pathetic (in my opinion anyway) to have this weighty "unknown cause" feeling of despondence (..etc). I guess the world will never know. Funny how I am majoring in Psychology yet I can't even diagnose myself *sigh* damn subconscious!
FYI this is not a pity-party blog, just expressing my current feelings/state of mind.

I have been in a restless sleep mode for the past week, tossing and turning, unable to put my mind at rest, thoughts buzzing around like a swarm of bees on a deadly hunt for pollen. Where am I going with my life? What am I sewing now that I'll reap later; every action, every move I take, everything I do shapes and molds the future. We are at an age that we must stop making excuses for actions (or lack there of), in all honestly the only person you can blame is yourself or so the cliche saying goes; whether it hold water or not we all must start taking responsibly for our actions. Life is like a game of chess, you must (should) always think 5 steps ahead; okay sure one should spice up their lives via spontaneity, but in general think before you do, act, or say. Yes, I admit I don't live up to my "words of advice" in their entirety, I live my life by the beat of my own drum, or as Mia said, "You actually go to the beat of your own 'marching band'"

I love life, I do I love my friends, parents, sister + her family, my extended family.. etc and as much as I try to be positive 100% of the time, I am only human and am cursed to see the other side of the grass be it greener or barren. Coming to terms with the notion that those you love can turn around and use/betray you is a lesson I am currently learning to wrap my head around; I am too goddamn nice and pay for my friends all the god damn time, they owe me well over $2,000 combined only including the past few months tabulations. *eeps* Sadly they don't do much in return to in some way repay me let alone even to thank me!

Maybe I am waiting for someone to hold my hand and help me blow away these gloomy clouds that have seemed to take residence above my head. A guy who will sing me to sleep using his melodies to ward off the evil and wrong as the musical notes stitch up the wounds around my heart and open wounds using his' song to putt me at ease carving a permanent smile which encompasses my entire self. Maybe I am just waiting for that metaphorical light-bulb to go off above my head, for me to find my knack, my calling, to find that one thing (especially in the job department) something that I wake up with a smile on my face excited to go do what a love, something that I have so much passion for that I don't consider it a job, let myself define what I do, instead of what I do defining me, that one thing that whenever I describe it I become giddy and could go on for hours;and for those who have found this, or at least think they have, hold on tight and cherish it. Or Maybe.. just maybe.. this is a sign of good things to come and I just have to strap in for this roller coaster ride, for it seems that things get bad even hit rock bottom before the soar rocketing up towards the skies. Just got to take everything as it comes, learn and absorb in my surroundings.

But as for now, I have to just attempt to keep myself busy and not to think about my current dismal state, ignoring the cacophony of negative thoughts, paint on a smile and just reflect and attempt to on an archeological adventure to get to the root of this.. this... this... whatever you would call this.

I due time I will bounce back and be little miss crazy me once again, *crosses fingers*

V-Day is a S.A.D. Day (singles awarness day)

2008-02-12T12:40:00.000-08:00

With Valentines just right around the corner, in less than two days, everyone is running around buying flowers, chocolate, gifts for their loved ones. Romance is in the air, heck even the birds are singing songs of love.

Yet for another year in a row, I will be with out a valentine, I view the day as a s.a.d day aka single awareness day; as pathetic as it sounds/to hear me say this, I have never had a valentine, even when I had a boyfriend during this holiday, they had other plans with someone else,*ouch*

It's not that Valentines Day is as of anymore importance than any other day of the year, I mean if you love someone you shouldn't just have Hallmark/globally celebrated holiday to tell you to romance/surprise and spill your heart to your love one day a year, it should be done every day.

I guess why today is such a downer is if you don't have someone to spend it with you are in someways exiled from society, it seems as though every and all activities become "couples only" so one is "forced" to be locked away in their homes. Though I am probably going to a singles anti- vday party and though I know I will have a blast, I still as selfish as this sounds, would like to spend the day with someone who cares about me; finally see what it's like to have a Valentine. Hell I am 20 years old, and just connect Valentines day with walking in on my boyfriend cheating on me in my on room! ( yea it's happened twice, with 2 different boyfriends), it's a total slap in the face.
I am not your average girl I am far from materialistic and believe it's the little things in life that count the most and it's the thought/attempt is what's important. I love to romance and surprise who I am with, am thoughtful caring and understanding.
Which seems insignificant and it seems that all that matters is spreading your legs (don't get me wrong I love sex, but hate cheating, and believe there are many other ways to get deeply intimate with someone)

but oh well.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls
Raise your glasses and let me propose a toast, here is to laughing and having fun regardless of your relationship status, here is to saying fuck you to valentines day I don't need someone, here is to keeping the box of chocolate all to ourselves and keeping our wallets full, here is to doing what you want to do when you want to, here is to going out expanding your mind, here is to eliminating negative thinking, here is to to pampering and celebrating the most important person in your life, yourself. Happy Singles Valentines Day to all.
(as said by me)

Bear weekend

2008-02-12T12:33:00.000-08:00

This weekend, was amazing yet again. For the second week in a row Kira and I have gone to Big Bear. This time we went up with Mia, and left on Saturday morning. Everyone seemed to remember me from the previous week, yay for getting hooked up with free stuff :D also it got to the point everyone either thought I lived up there or begged me to move up there, saying they need more people like me up there.
as for right now i wont write a full blown blog on the trip since I am at work (yes and am lazy too). This weekend involved: silly string fights/wars, pool (playing), dance parties, hot sauce wars, dj'ing, reality tv filming, porn, snowball fights, snowboarding, drinking at 10 AM, traffic, mannequins, bras, sledding, MFM, Snow Rail Jams, laughing hysterically...etc

So i'll leave you with some quotes said this weekend :D

"you look like the mom character who has to control her two crazy kids" - guy @pharmacy about Mia

"Imagine if that family actually looked like those stick figure family on back of their car" - Kira and Me

"melissa you're like a wind up toy who is always wound up" - Kira

melissa you just eat that entire bag of doughnuts in less than a minute _,Mia
yeaa.. I'm still hungry too! - Me

"no step away from the chocolate.. melissa step away" - Mia

"we got so used to fart smelling car that we didn't notice it until we got outside and smelled fresh outside air, then we got back in the car and realized fuck it smells in here"

Favorite/Best Quotes Continued

2008-02-11T13:00:00.000-08:00

"There is much pain that is quite noiseless; and vibrations that make human agonies are often a mere whisper in the roar of hurrying existence. There are glances of hatred that stab and raise no cry of murder; robberies that leave man or woman for ever beggared of peace and joy, yet kept secret by the sufferer /committed to no sound except that of low moans in the night, seen in no writing except that made on the face by the slow months of suppressed anguish and early morning tears. Many an inherited sorrow that has marred a life has been breathed into no human ear."- George Eliot

"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away" - George Eliot

"Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately, in England at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grovner Square." - Oscar Wilde (Importance of Being Earnest)

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."- Oscar Wilde (Importance of Being Earnest)

"I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we still had a few fools left."- Oscar Wilde (Importance of Being Earnest)

"My goal was to make the Beast so human, so likeable, so superior to man that his transformation into Prince Charming would be for Belle, a terrible disappointment, and would oblige her to accept a marriage of reason." -Jean Cocteau

"“One man who saw through his own eyes and thought with his own brain. Such men may be rare, they may be unknown, but they move the world.”- Fountainhead

Silent comedies can appeal to even the youngest viewers, he (John Flowers, who teaches psychology and film at Chapman University in Orange County) says, "because they're far more physical. You either laugh or you don't. You don't have to explain much. They are literally seeing it for what it is. As soon as a kid develops a sense of what's contemporary, it knocks out the middle ground of older films, because those are too much like what they watch now, but not as good. Silents work because they are totally different from what they watch now."

"“We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are in fact the sum total of our choices.”- Crimes and Misdemeanors

"You got a dream, you got to protect it. People can't do something themselves, they want to tell you that you can't do it. You want something? Go get it."- The Pursuit of Happyness

"“Revolution is the only lawful, equal, effectual war. It was in Russia that this war was declared and begun."-Battleship Potemkin

"“There's a lot to be said for making people laugh! Did you know that's all some people have? It isn't much, but it's better than nothing" - Sullivan's Travels

"“Audiences don't know somebody sits down and writes a picture. They think the actors make it up as they go along.”- Sunset Boulevard

"“You know we just don't recognize the most significant moments of our lives while they're happening. Back then I thought, well, there'll be other days. I didn't realize that that was the only day.” -Field of Dreams

""Every woman is a mystery to be solved."- Don Juan DeMarco

"“All a man needs in this life is someone to love. If you can’t give him that, give him something to hope for. If you can’t give him that, give him something to do.” Flight of the Phoenix

"“I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.” Steel Magnolias

"“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” When harry met sally

“Look at history. Everything we have, every great achievement, has come from the independent work of some independent mind.” - Fountainhead

“Before you can do things for people you must be the kind of man who can get things done. But to get things done, you must love the doing not the people.”

“It is the things we admire or want that enslave us.”

“I got where I am by acting on my own honest judgment whether others liked it or not. When you grow older, you’ll see this is the only way to succeed in life.”

"The mind is an attribute of an individual. There is no such thing as a collective brain."

"A man’s self is his spirit. It is the unsacrificed self that we must respect in man above all.”

“Throughout the centuries, there were men who took first steps down new roads, armed with nothing but their own vision. The great creators, the thinkers, the artists, the scientists, the inventors stood alone against the men of their time. Every new thought was opposed, every new invention was denounced. But the men of unborrowed vision went ahead. They fought, they suffered and they paid. But they won.”

Before Sunrise
“I always think that I’m still this 13-year old boy that doesn’t really know how to be an adult, pretending to live my life, taking notes for when I’ll really have to do it.”
“There’s all these people talking about how great technology is and how it saves all this time but what good is saved time if nobody uses it?”
“You need to resign yourself to the awkwardness of life. Only if you find peace within yourself will you find true connection with others.”
“I could never get excited about other people’s ambitions for my life.”
"Everything is so finite but that’s what makes our time and specific moments so important.”

Now Voyager
"A child has rights. A person has rights, to discover her own mistakes, to make her own way, to grow and blossom in her own particular soil.”
“Independence is reliance on one’s own will and judgment.”
“Take part. Contribute. Be interested in everything and everybody.”
“If I were free, there would be only one thing I would want to do, prove that you’re not immune to happiness.”
"just remember that honoring one’s parents is still a pretty good idea.”

Easy Rider
"Just remember that honoring one’s parents is still a pretty good idea.”
"For once, man will have a God-like control over his own destiny. He will have a chance to transcend and evolve with some equality for all.”
"It’s real hard to be free when you’re bought and sold in the marketplace.”
“Don’t ever tell anyone that they’re not free because then they’re going to get busy killing and maiming to prove that they are.

Ben Hur
“Wherever there is greatness, great government or power, even great feeling or compassion, error also is great. We progress and mature by fault.”
"Forgiveness is greater and love more powerful than hatred.”
"You have the spirit to fight back but the good sense to control it.”
“It’s an insane world but in it there is one sanity, the loyalty of old friends.”
"If one purpose fails, it is good to have another.”
"You ask how to fight an idea. I’ll tell you how. With another idea.”

Harvey
"An element of conflict in any discussion is a very good thing. It shows everybody’s taking part and nobody’s left out.”
“I always have a wonderful time, wherever I am, whoever I’m with.”
“It’s our dreams that carry us on. They separate us from the beasts.”
"The photograph shows only the reality. The painting shows not only the reality but the dream behind it.”

Cat on a tin roof
“I hate apologies, especially for the truth. Whatever you did, don’t apologize for it. Just don’t do it again. If you didn’t do it, start doing it.
"The human animal is a beast that eventually has to die. If he’s got money, he buys and he buys and he buys. The reason he buys everything he can is because of some crazy hope that one of the things he buys will be life everlasting.”
"Life ain’t no damn football game. Life ain’t just a bunch of high spots. Heroes in the real world live twenty-four hours a day not just two hours in a game.”
"You know I’ve wasted so much time. I’ve got a million different kinds of feelings left in me and I want to use them. I want to use them all.”
"People like to do what they used to do after they’ve stopped being able to do it.”

Rocky Balboa
"it doesn't matter how this looks to other people. If this is something that you got to do, then you do it."
"If you stay in one place long enough, you become that place.”
"You get through that and you find the only kind of respect that matters in this world - self respect.”
"Until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life!"
“The last thing to age in somebody is their heart."

World's Fastest Indian
"It’s not the critic that counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.” (quoting Teddy Roosevelt)
“Danger is the spice of life and you’ve got to take a risk now and then…that’s what makes life worthwhile.”
“If you don’t follow through on your dreams, you might as well be a vegetable.”
The reward is in the doing of it.”
“If you don’t go when you want to go, when you do go, you’ll find you’ve gone.”
“You live more in five minutes on a bike like that, going flat out, than some people live in a lifetime.”
There’s many a good tune played by an old banjo.” (hell yes i actually play the banjo)
"Getting old ain’t for the faint of heart.”

Hary and Tonto
“Life is confusing. We’re all just trying to get on with it, that’s all.”
"You never really feel somebody’s suffering. You only feel their death.”
“If you know people, that’s home.”

Into the wild
"The core of man's spirit comes from new experiences."
“I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one.”
“People soften by the forced reflection that comes with loss.”
“Happiness is only real when shared.”
“I know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong.”
“Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness - give me truth
"Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past."

"Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature."- American History X

"Get busy living, or get busy dying." - Shawshank Redemption

"I guess sometimes the past just catches up with you, whether you want it to or not." - Green mile

" Today is history. Today will be remembered. Years from now the young will ask with wonder about this day. Today is history and you are part of it." - Schindler's List

Doctor Zhivago
What is history? Its beginning is that of the centuries of systematic work devoted to the solution of the enigma of death, so that death itself may eventually be overcome. That is why people write symphonies, and why they discover mathematical infinity and electromagnetic waves.

Man is born to life, not to prepare for life.

No deep and strong feeling, such as we may come across here and there in the world, is unmixed with compassion. The more we love, the more the object of our love seems to be to be a victim.

Most people experience love, without noticing that there is anything remarkable about it.

Everything established, settled, everything to do with home and order and the common ground, has crumbled into dust and has been swept away in the general upheaval and reorganization of the whole of society. The whole human way of life has been destroyed and ruined. All that's left is the bare, shivering human soul, stripped to the last shred, the naked force of the human psyche for which nothing has changed because it was always cold and shivering and reaching out to its nearest neighbor, as cold and lonely as itself.

Work seethes in the hands of spring, That strapping dairymaid.

Art always serves beauty, and beauty is the joy of possessing form, and form is the key to organic life since no living thing can exist without it.

The Midnight Sky

2008-02-09T00:32:00.000-08:00

there's something in the air tonight, something that seems different from previous nights.Not only is the air deathly still but the sky is crystal clear and stars that i haven't seen before outside my house (thanks to light pollution) are visible.The sky looks as if it was swallowing the whole world because everywhere I look I can see the dark sky surrounding me (if i ignore the street lights and city lights below). as I am currently laying sprawled out on the grass in my backyard staring up at the night sky while a burning fire crumbles into embers like the forgotten ashes in a distant world (Venus, "the evening star" has been compared to the closest thing to Hades)
I find pleasure and happiness in looking up and getting lost ing the midnight sky, playing connect the dots with the twinkling stars, planets, satellites, and occasional planes above. As I stare up into the vast and twinkling darkness I feel as thought I am painting and become lost in my mind, all my worries, troubles, all seem to get sucked up into the distance; it those rare moments of solitude where everything becomes quite, the body enters a trace like hypnotic state, you feel as if your slowly floating and drifting up into space. Allowing the sill air to fill me with a sense of great relief/escape from responsibility allowing it burns my problems to cinders much like the fire in front of me, and with the "burning" of my worries allows me to enter a state of awareness of my inner source my inner strength, my drive, my consciousness prior to the noise of thought It is in a way overwhelming to look up at something so enormous so vast and endless while myself being but a mere speck of dust upon the earth. Gradually I become aware that we are free.......restricted by our human limitations but free nonetheless. We living in the 21st centeury seem to perceive ourselves as the ruler of (in a microcosm) the world, of our own domain as well as those around us. In the hustle and bustle of everyday crazy life not many people seem to take time to gaze at the twinkling stars lighting up the midnight sky and to absorb and feel the wonder/mystery of the purpose/meaning of life, the humbling fact that we are but a small tiny speck amongst the vast never ending space, makes on ponder "What if?". What if we are not alone? What if there is another life? What if?
Personally every time I look into the sky, I wonder if there is another planet exactly like Earth. I wonder if there is another person just like me, doing the exact same thing I am doing at that very same moment.There could be someone out there looking right back into the sky at me thinking the exact same thoughts as I am.

I love the stillness, the feeling of solitude, the instant escape from the complications of my (our) lives the over crowding of information, going back to the realization of simplicity of nature, embracing the importance of the little things while I watch the fermenting chaos within these enormous heterogeneous masses whom embody trillions of atoms that are chaotically colliding, giving off the light known as these gorgeous twinkling stars

To me the midgnight sky embraces the idea that nature is serene, harsh, destructive, beautiful, serene, powerful, colorful, prosperous, full of secrets, energy, full of endless questions most having unharvested answers.

Favorite/Best Quotes

2008-02-08T18:08:00.000-08:00

From birth, man carries the weight of gravity on his shoulders. He is bolted to earth. But man has only to sink beneath the surface and he is free. -Jacques Yves Cousteau

"I found my destiny, not in far off places but within myself. " - Wild Hearts Cant Be Broken

"I thought Big Sur would be a great break after the tour. You'd walk down this rickety ladder to this not-very-pretty beach scene; crashing waves, moss-covered rocks, weird ocean life. It was scary. It summed up alot of things in my life, like 'I should be enjoying this, but I'm not." --- Trent Reznor, Nine Inch Nails

"You must remember this / A kiss is still a kiss / A sigh is just a sigh / The fundamental things apply / As time goes by. / And when two lovers woo, / They still say, "I love you" / On that you can rely / No matter what the future brings-... " CASABLANCA

"Buoyed by water, he can fly in any direction — up, down, sideways — by merely flipping his hand. Under water, man becomes an archangel." -Jacques Yves Cousteau

We must plant the sea and herd its animals … using the sea as farmers instead of hunters. That is what civilization is all about — farming replacing hunting." -Jacques Yves Cousteau

"What is a scientist after all? It is a curious man looking through a keyhole, the keyhole of nature, trying to know what’s going on."

"Man, of all the animals, is probably the only one to regard himself as a great delicacy."

"We have to prepare for what life could become in 40 years. We need to outline what is possible and what is impossible with the non-renewable resources of the Earth. What role will technological improvement play? Taking all this into account, what kind of life can we produce in the best way for 10 billion people? That's a problem that needs to be solved."

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. - Groucho Marx

" You might as well question why we breathe. If we stop breathing, we'll die. If we stop fighting our enemies, the world will die. " - CASABLANCA

You know how you sound, Mr. Blaine? Like a man who's trying to convince himself of something he doesn't believe in his heart. - Casablanca

Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience. - Victoria Holt

"Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about" - Unkown

Never be afraid to try, remember...
Amateurs built the ark
Professionals built the Titanic
- Unknown

Have you ever noticed how people who wear camouflage gear really stand out in a crowd?" - Peter Thomas, student

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak … sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go"

"Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking."

"Let us endeavor to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry " - Mark Twain

"Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak". - Sun Tzu

"I do it because i can, I can because I want to, I want to because you said I couldn't."

"The largest living land mammal is the absent mind." - Capt. Beefheart

"Keep a good heart. That's the most important thing in life. It's not how much money you make or what you can acquire. The art of it is to keep a good heart." -Joni Mitchell

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sypathethic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of those." -George Washington Carver

"Everything you read in the newspaper is absolutely true except for the rare story of which you have first-hand knowledge." - Erwin Knoll

Anything played wrong twice in a row is the beginning of an arrangement." - Frank Zappa

"The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease." - Voltaire

"Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change." - Malcolm x

"Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable." - Wizard of Oz

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it. - W.M. Luis

"Nothing will benefit human health and increase chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet." - Albert Einstein

"I would like to be able to admire a person's opinions as I would their dog - without being expected to take it home with me." - Frank A. Clark

"When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you." - Lao-Tzu

"A little learning is a dangerous thing" - Poe

"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread." - Poe

"Oh, East is East and West is West, and never the twain shall meet, Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God’s great Judgment Seat." - Kippling

Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested.- Sir Francis Bacon

So much of our time is preparation, so much is routine, and so much retrospect, that the path of each man's genius contracts itself to a very few hours. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right. - Confucious

"If everything is under control, you are going too slow." - Mario Andretti

"We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee." - Marian Wright Edelman

We must overcome the notion that we must be regular... it robs you of the chance to be extraordinary and leads you to the mediocre. - Uta Hagen

"You're the only one who can make the difference. Whatever your dream is, go for it." - Earvin Magic Johnson

"There is one quality that one must possess to win, and that is definiteness of purpose, the knowledge of what one wants, and a burning desire to possess it." - Napoleon HIll

""We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Some men go through life absolutely miserable because, despite the most enormous achievement, they just didn’t do one thing—like the architect who didn’t build St Paul’s. I didn’t quite build St Paul’s, but I stood on more mountaintops than possibly I deserved." - Lord Thorneycroft

"For no one - no one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts." - Conan The Barbarian

"Magic is the bloodstream of the universe. Forget all you know, or think you know. All that you require is your intuition. " _ Willow

"So complex is the human spirit that it can itself scarce discern the deep springs which impel it to action." - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

"Today it's Wheaties boxes. Tomorrow it's video games and action figures. The sky's the limit! " - D2

"I got it, Eric, I'm cool... As we come to the end of our school years, we find ourselves remembering the good times, and trying to forget the bad ties. And as we start to look ahead, we start to worry. We think "What am I going to do? Where am I going to be in ten years?" But I say to you, "Hey, look at me!" Please, don't worry so much. Because when you get right down to it, none of us have very long on this earth. Life is fleeting, like a shooting star in the sky. Whenever you see a shooting star light up the sky with its brilliance, think of me, and try to make each and every moment of our lives as spectacular as possible. I know I did. I made it, Mom. I'm a grown-up. " - Jack

"You wouldn't be goin' around talkin' about takin' these stupid shop courses if I was. It's like God gave you something man, all those stories you can make up. And He said, "this is what we got for ya kid, try not to lose it." Kids lose everything unless there's someone there to look out for them. And if your parents are too fucked up to do it, the maybe I should!" - Stand By Me

"Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go!", "On Golden Pond

"ou can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." _ Winnie The Pooh

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." _ Samuel Clemmons

"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place." - Nora Roberts

"Begin with the end in mind." - Stephen Covey

""Winning without dignity or grace is not winning." - Stepmom

""People are always telling you that change is a good thing, but what they're really saying is that something that you didn't want to happen just happened." " - YOu Got Mail

""Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen." - The Rock

"A thinning gene pool is a terrible thing to witness. Ah, civilization's crowning achievement: the cocktail hour." - The Love Letter

" "In the end, the extent of our own success will be measured by the accomplishments we have helped create in others." - Gregory Scott Reid

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people, than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." - Dale Carnegie

"Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later"- Od Mandino

""Never, never,never give up." - Sir Winston Churchill

"Go out into the world today and love the people you meet. Let your presence light new light in the hearts of people." - Mother Theresa

"It's not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for something. May I suggest that it be creating joy for others, sharing what we have for the betterment of personkind, bringing hope to the lost and love to the lonely." - Leo Buscagila

"No one gets out of this world alive, so the time to live, learn, care, share, celebrate, and love is now." - Leo Buscagila

"I would not exchange the laughter of my heart for the fortunes of the multitudes." - Kahlil Gibran

"Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love." - Don Miguel Ruiz

"When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." - Earl Nightingale

"Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly." - Langston Hughes

"Cherish your visions and your dreams, as they are the children of your soul; the blueprints of your ultimate achievements"

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." William Arthur Ward

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." Ghandi

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have" - Fredrick Koeing

"Everyone has a purpose in life... a unique gift or special talent to give to others. And when we blend this unique talent with service to others, we experience the ecstasy and exultation of our own spirit, which is the ultimate goal of all goals" - Deepak Chopra

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." Eleanor Roosevelt

"Live your life in the manner that you would like your kids to live theirs."

"The biggest mistake people make in life is not trying to make a living at doing what they most enjoy." - Malcolm Forbes

"if it's not over and done with forgiven and forgotten its still there"

" love grabs hold with terrible violence. love always does its a bad habit but lobe cant kick it it comes whether you wait it or not."

"Now there's an intelligently biting remark wrought with wit and irony."

"the best thing you can do is imagine there isnt anyone but you then you can't be judged by others standards"

"The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page." - St. Augustine"

As a diver you are weightless and can move in all directions. You approach the freedom of a bird as you move in three dimensions in a fluid environment." - Dennis Graver

"What humbugs we are, who pretend to live for Beauty, and never see the Dawn!" ~Logan Pearsall Smith

Man's heart away from nature becomes hard. ~Standing Bear

How glorious a greeting the sun gives the mountains! ~John Muir

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves. ~John Muir

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."- Judy Garland

"The credit belongs to those who are actually in the arena, who strive valiantly; who know the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spend themselves in a worthy cause; who at the best, know the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if they fail, fail while daring greatly, so that their place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."- Theodore Roosevelt

"When one man, for whatever reason, has an opportunity to lead an extraordinary life, he has no right to keep it to himself."- Jacques-Yves Cousteau Sometimes we are lucky enough to know that our lives have been changed, to discard the old, embrace the new, and turn headlong down an immutable course. - Jacques-Yves Cousteau

To yackety-yak about the past is for me time lost. Every morning I wake up saying, "I'm still alive — a miracle." And so I keep on pushing.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around". ~Leo Buscaglia

** Dont be hard on yourself, we all make mistakes; instead learn from them.** Learn to embrace your imperfections, how else can you embrace anyone else's? ** Beauty is only skin deep, its whats on the inside that counts the most ** Love is love we are all humans and have the desire to love and be loved ** Don't sit around and watch other people's lives go by, instead get up and live life through your own eyes and experiences ****** I have been on tour selling merch multiple times before.. if any band needs a merch girl for tour, I would love to go with you****

Look at the trees, look at the birds, look at the clouds, look at the stars... and if you have eyes you will be able to see that the whole existence is joyful. Everything is simply happy. Trees are happy for no reason; they are not going to become prime ministers or presidents and they are not going to become rich and they will never have any bank balance. Look at the flowers - for no reason. It is simply unbelievable how happy flowers are. ~Osho

Friends

2008-02-08T11:59:00.000-08:00

(work in progress due to the fact I am at work)

Kira almost made me cry last night, but in the good way cry. She said that she has this vision in her head pretty much since the time that she met me of what the "perfect" guy for me will be like; that she wont let me "settle" will not let me date anyone that isn't the best out there for me. When I find that certain someone, he is going to be all about me, and treat me better than anything or anyone else (besides himself). He'll have a job be able to support himself, not take anything for granted, appreciate the little things life has to offer. He'll pamper me but also let me pamper him, romance me but allow me to also romance him, surprise me but also let me surprise him, sing to me and let me play the banjo/piano or even dance for him ( I would sing if i could)

He will get down and party with me and my/his friends, but also does not party 24-7 knows how to balance it with other things, has a good head on his shoulders. Our personalities will balance each-other out and make each-other be the best we can be, constantly smiling, filled with laughter, always viewing things positively and having fun/a good time no matter what situation we are in. Kira went on saying how she hated seeing how I was treated in the past and though it may take a long time till this person comes into my life, it will be worth it, because she said I deserve it. She also mentioned that the guy she had envisioned in her head as the perfect person for me, looks at me in the eyes when I talk, remembers the little things I say, someone who is all about me, but at the same time to is independent and doesn't mind letting me have a girl's night and I won't mind if he goes out with the guys. Someone who views the world in the same way I do. Someone who can handle my bouncy crazy klutzy personality... Someone who does not think I am insane for liking penguins, someone who agrees with me that having a penguin be in my wedding (as the ring bearer) be amazing.

She went on and I started to tear up with tears of joy/happiness that someone wants the best for me, and said she'll stand up for me and hurt any guy who hurts me.
We talked about our previous relationships and how much we have grown from the past experiences, and how we both look out for one another. How we've both been to hell and back again and how its only made us that much stronger and given us a new perspective on the world. That we wont jut be in a relationship to be in one, that we are strong individuals who don't need a title/status to make us happy, though it would be nice. Life is short, and one should never settle for anything less than you deserve; no I am not saying people should have a holier than thou attitude, but just remember you only have yourself in this life, and one can not truly be happy with someone else unless they are happy with themselves.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."- Judy Garland

"The credit belongs to those who are actually in the arena, who strive valiantly; who know the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spend themselves in a worthy cause; who at the best, know the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if they fail, fail while daring greatly, so that their place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."- Theodore Roosevelt

It's hard to find those friends out there who are always there for you no matter what, ones whom you never argue with or get mad at, ones where you can just sit there and not talk and the air is free from awkwardness. Ones who will stand up for you, will go talk to that cute guy/girl you like, make an ass out of themselves. Sometimes you even have a coded/secret language, or can even have sympathy pains/read eachother's mind. As Stympie from Little Rascals said "You only meet your once in a lifetime friends... once in a lifetime." I have been fortunate to meet a few of those once in a life time friends, I hate naming names here because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but to me those friends are Kira, Jason, Davey, and Jenny. They are those people who you want to be in you life for the rest of your life, ones whom you can't imagine living without them. Whether its because they spent almost every single day with you for over 3 years would even walking/breaking into your dorm or house room at 3am just to say hi and you don't care; One who would drive out of their way, hours on end in a snow storm just to help cheer you up/ be there for you to make you smile; One who you met through a band (guilty pleasure band at the time), both worked in the music industry, and even though you don't see eachother often you still are best friends and would take a bullet for them and are so glad they are in your life; or someone whom you met via the vent systems in the dorms/shared a wall with and are attached at the hip and help balances each other out, and gets crazy with you, my support system. I also forgot to mention kendra, me running away from home to send the weekend in San Diego, OB1 oh man or how we always seemed to run into each other in Hillcrest :)

Movies quotesss

2008-02-08T11:57:00.000-08:00

okay so i did this thing were i took the first quote as listed on IMDB from the movies I have listed in this profile thinger and they actually turned out to be decently good quotes.

"I found my destiny, not in far off places but within myself. " - Wild Hearts Can't Be broken

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspision love actually is all around." - Love Acutally

"Now that we know who you are... I know who I am. I'm not a mistake! It all makes sense. In a comic, you know how you can tell who the arch-villain's going to be? He's the exact opposite of the hero, and most time's they're friends, like you and me. I should've known way back when. You know why, David? Because of the kids. They called me Mr. Glass. "- Unbreakable

"No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world."- Dead Poet's Society

"If I were not mad, I could have helped you. Whatever you had done, I could have pitied and protected you. But because I am mad, I hate you. Because I am mad, I have betrayed you. And because I'm mad, I'm rejoicing in my heart, without a shred of pity, without a shred of regret, watching you go with glory in my heart!" - Gaslight

"That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today I'm gonna read it to you." - Princess Bride

"The sky is blue and all the leaves are green. My heart's as warm as a baked potato. I think I know precisely what I mean, when I say it's a *Shpadoinkle* day!"- Cannibal the Musical

"Like many other unfortunate young people, Harvey had never in all his life received a direct order - never, at least, without long, and sometimes tearful, explanations of the advantages of obedience and the reasons for the request." - Captain's Courageous

"I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he would testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of all witness who will testify, particularly those who will give scientific evidence, so that we can properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as give the defense an opportunity to have his reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions. " - My Cousin Vinny

"Alright, alright, Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog, what's Goofy?" - Stand By Me

"Momma: You're my knight in shimmering armor. Did you know that?
Gilbert: I think you mean shining.
Momma: No shimmering. You shimmer, and you glow. " - What's Eating Gilbert Grape

" Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower, we will grieve not; rather find strength in what remains behind. " - Splendor in The Grass"

"When two people love each other, they come together - WHAM - like two taxis on Broadway." - Rear Window

"Just a moment. I hear people wanting something... ME! " - Happy Feet

"You must play as if there's no tomorrow. " - Shine

"That's it, I'm leaving the country. I'm moving to New Mexico." Little Giants

" Who would think something like this would happen from harmless flares and roman candles? " - Camp Nowhere

"I was just thinking about cuckoo's for some reason. It's odd. " - Enchanted April

"Oh, come on, ladies. God wouldn't have given you maracas if He didn't want you to shake 'em. " - Dirty Dancing (okay not that good of a quote)

wild and crazy not like them. Mel-I-AM

2008-02-05T13:13:00.000-08:00

(okay tried to do a Dr. Seuss reference as my title, it didn't work perfectly oh, well.)

I am who I am. I do not care what people think of me; the only thing that matters that I am happy with myself, flaws included, because you truly only have yourself in life, so why live a life unhappy with yourself because of the thoughts of others when they do not mean anything in terms of your life's book, the bullies do not deserve a staring roll in your life.
Any-who. I am weird, I know and have been told this before. I live life according to the beat of my own drum. I am wild, crazy, loud, random, squeaky, worry-wart, spontaneous, klutzy, flexible, indecisive, hyper, and filled with random knowledge. When I am nervous or excited I sometimes say to much about random things or speak to fast. Often times I get giddy and start jumping up and down and clap my hands or start doing the happy dance. I get random bursts of energy at illogical times, I dance as I am walking or for no reason at all (with or without music), I sometimes break out in song or humming even though my singing voice is horrendous. I laugh so hard I fall over/roll over, even if I am the only one laughing about god knows what. I eat too much chocolate (well, there is never such a thing as in too much in my world) and love penguins- to the point I become extremely giddy whenever I see one. I am smart but have my blonde moments, am illogical yet logical, am messy but clean, an organized mess. I love to travel and read and dance till there is no tomorrow. I like to paint and draw, its a nice way to escape from my trouble and worries and to put/express all my thoughts and emotions via a simple brushstroke or a pencil mark, or any other medium. I watch movies over and over again till most people would get sick of them, but not me! I play video games and dance burlesque. I volunteer at hospitals and for the EPA. I do things in ways that are not considered normal. I am usually almost always positive, have no backbone, and see the greater good in everyone. I have been told I am a breath of fresh Hallmark card, because no matter what situation I am in I make the best of it and have a damn good time. I do not care if I make a fool of myself, as long as I am being true to who I am, and being my true self, screw others opinions. I cuss, I drink, I smoke (well not that much anymore), I have a dirty mind, but don't spread my legs often. I have been to hell and back and will never be the same again because of it, I wish no one to go through the hell i have been through, but will be there for you for support if you have. I hate fighting, but will attempt to stand my ground if you mess with my close friends. I never get mad, the only time I do is driving, yet I just cuss into the steering wheel and never flick people off or roll down my window and yell, it's quite a sight. I love animals, am vegetarian, but do not mind if people eat meat in front of me. I work 50+ hours a week and love to play when I am not. I love being around people yet times I just shut off my phone and love sitting in solitude getting lost in my book curled up infront of the fireplace or curled up in a blanket on the couch. I have flaws, but we all do. I embrace mine and look at them as character builders ones that set me apart from the crowd. I love going to museums, art galleries, zoos, playgrounds, parks..etc and just getting lost in the beauty of the paintings/artifacts or letting my inner kid out and just having a blast. I want to be romanced and I want to romance, I want someone who listens to what I say and who can remember things I do. I find beauty in the little things, and feel they are the most important in life. I view the world and life around me in an odd way. I love to travel and have been fortunate enough to see the world, which has had an enormous impact. I do not take anything for granted, and am thankful for everything I have. I try to live everyday as if it where my last, I want to have fun and laugh, and be appreciated. I have a great sense of humor and just me being myself usually can make almost anyone turn a frown upside down and laugh.
To me everything happens for a reason and the good and the bad help make me a stronger person and shape and mold me into the person I am today. I am expressive, observant, sometimes sarcastic, and sometimes add delectable imagery and descriptive words to my every day phrases/talk.
I am a computer nerd, technologically inclined, I love to build, remodel, garden, am a "tool belt diva" I play the piano and the banjo. I like all forms of music from the Appalachian to folk to classical to country to classics to swamp rock to hardcore to death metal to electroclash to bastard pop to bluegrass to jazz to acoustic to electronic to progressive to hip hop to punk to synth.. etc I love movies from film noirs to foreign to art house to the low budget to those cult campy films to the thinking man's to horror to documentaries to biographies to underground to the tear jerkers to humor laugh riots to the nail biters to the romantics to the chick flicks to the gangsters to the testosterone filled to the epics..etc I love art in any and all forms. To me every day is an adventure. I am an oddball. Awesomely lame and proud of it
I am that one person who walks into walls, doors, chairs, tables, pretty much anything, i often trip over myself even if im standing still (when sober) i often wake up with random bruises, how i got them.. the world may never know. Whenever my friends trip or fall they say "OMG I just pulled a Melissa" even when no one around them knows me.
I care about the world, and actually try to do something about it/make a difference/impact. Instead of being lazy and donating money I am actually on the front lines spending my time cleaning up beaches/wet lands, serving meals to the homeless, working in the IC Burn unit or terminal ward. Raising awareness of the wars/genocides in Africa, poverty in Hati, the abandoned kids in orphanages in Romania..

I will always be there for you, even If i don't know you, I will drop everything in an instant and do all that i can to help you any time you need. I wear my heart on my sleeve and always see the greater good in people.I love laying outside in the grass and watching the clouds float by, trying to find shapes in the clouds or looking up to the midnight sky and getting lost in the stars. I find beauty in sunsets and sunrises.I love overcast days (mainly because its sunny all the time here), and love playing in the rain :D

The fresh crisp air of the outdoors gives me an instant natural high. Nature and the outdoor world is my church, and the expereience/connection of being outdoors is my form of a "religious" experience. I find beauty and "blessings" in the little things life/nature/outdoors has to offer such as, watching sea turtles escape and crawl their way out of the sand and scurry into the ocean, or a the thought of tiny hummingbird nests holding tinier eggs. These seemingly simple events help put into perspective that there is something paramount, of a higher caliber, outside our own selves, so great it is fruitless to: attempt to describe it, put it to words, even to mold it into individual images of own ourselves. It just is how it is. When I see/am surrounded by a gorgeous sunset/sunrise, a gorgeously amazing breathtaking view, beautiful moon, sun/moon light reflecting off the clouds, etc.. I act like a little kid in a candy shop, I instantly become super excited, giddy and happy, all my worries seem to wash away. I sometimes call up my friends, no matter the hour, in order to spill my excitement even if the person does not really care. lol. Whether it is snowboarding down a mountain (even with a few tumbles), exploring the ocean's depths and underground caverns, hiking for miles into the great unknown, biking for miles along the coast or up a steep mountain face, walking off into the sunset, camping in the immense forest or jungle; Feeling as though you're the only living/human around for miles- away from the hustle bustle of everyday life- free from technology-responsibility being one with nature is heaven on earth for me.Look at the trees, look at the birds, look at the clouds, look at the stars... and if you have eyes you will be able to see that the whole existence is joyful.

Everything is simply happy. Trees are happy for no reason; they are not going to become prime ministers or presidents and they are not going to become rich and they will never have any bank balance. Look at the flowers - for no reason. It is simply unbelievable how happy flowers are. ~Osho

I teach art classes at the IC Burn Unit for children, help out/read to amazing children who happen to live in the terminal ward :( and volunteer at a battered woman's and children center. I feel as though every person you meet whether it's for a few brief moments or a lifetime, impacts your life in one way or another you will be forever changed apparent (conscious) or subconsciously because of them. It is up to you whether you want that person to play a key character or a but a mere glint of words in your book of life. With each person you meet smile at them, tell them to have a good day/night/afternoon, give them all the kindness, gratitude, and understanding you can muster, and do it without thought of any reward. A simple smile, a few kind words can save a life brighten someone's day/week; when/before you meet someone you tend to judge them by their appearance yet when you leave you judge them by their heart, character and personality.I love being surrounded by people who loves to (and can make me) laugh and smile constantly; even poke fun at themselves (for their mistakes, follies, slip-ups, mishaps ..etc), and those who are not afraid to act like little kid or what could be perceived as crazy in public; who live and goes to the beat of their own drums and does not allow others opinions to inhibit them from being their true selves and those who try to have fun and make the best out of any situation. People who are out-of-the box thinkers, can hold intellectual conversations, think for themselves and don't believe everything they hear/read also those who step up and will not allowing others to think and speak for them (put words in mouth). Looks past flaws (and/or accepts and embraces them), and actually cares about character and depth in a person more than beauty and appreciates the little things in life and does not take anything for granted. Anyone who can keep up with me and my crazy antics, be random, spontaneous, and view every day as an adventure. Enjoys the outdoors and being in nature, likes to lay out and look up and find shapes in the clouds or play connect the dots with the twinkling stars. Likes to go ghost hunting (so much fun!!), exploring and wondering around aimlessly. Enjoys the arts: making music, painting, drawing, making masks, going to museums/galleries, reading, poetry. Breaks into spontaneous dance parties with me in the car, on the streets, in stores.. anywhere.

Imperfections Make the world go round

2008-02-05T13:12:00.000-08:00

Imperfections make the world go round

We as humans have been extremely impacted by the media we subconsciously feel as thought we have to live up to those unspoken/unreachable expectations to live and have to "perfect life." Sadly we live in an bitter, unforgiving era, we all are constantly being surrounded by prime examples of "perfection" no matter where we turn, even in the comfort of our own homes, these over processed images of perfection are glaring at us from our television sets. Men and woman, boys and girls, all of ages smirking at us with their perfectly toned fat free bodies, spewing away facts with their perfectly intelligent minds, gloating and showing off their perfectly honed talents; the perfect fathers, mothers, spouse, siblings, offspring, friends,etc you name it, it's perfect.It's enough to make you look in the mirror and immediately head for the bathroom to throw up, to feel horrid about yourself. Our generation has grown up wired, instant access the world through the touch of a button, we connected to the internet and the outside world 24/7, we've grown accustom to creating profiles to put ourselves out there for the world to see, we've grown up with blogs, friendster, myspace, facebook, online matching site.. you name it, it can and can be used as an enabler for ourselves to cover up our insecurities with a virtual illusion, creating that "perfect person"; ignoring our flaws which make up our true selves. We feel as though our imperfections make us vulnerable for finger pointing, harassing, to be unlike or unlovable. Welcome to "Generation Me." We are narcissism at it's peak, we bring it full circle: If we can make others believe in our molded existence, we are just as we say we are, we are "special" . From a young age, we were constantly subconsciously and consciously being force fed with the idea that to be happy and successful, people must perceive us as confident, as leaders, as special or better than everyone else. We are encouraged to come across as extroverted and self-assured even if we shy away from being noticed.We are told to hold strong belief in the fact that if we mold or pick these (false) superficial determinants correctly we can create that "perfect" formula to become a more likable, more confident, human. Hold on a second here, we can pick apart and scrutinize others, and be honest with others, but when it comes to your own flaws they are not in existence?Do we honestly really want to delude ourselves and others with this fake us? Personally I don't want to spend my whole life struggling to be something I'm not. Everyone wants to be confident, but not so narcissistic that we lose our true selves.I don't want to spend my whole life struggling to be something I'm not. Everyone wants to be confident, but not so narcissistic that we lose our true selves. This is why i believe everyone should embrace their flaws, learn to truly love oneself, for you only have yourself. Don't you think it's sad that you have to make yourself be something your not to be accepted? Honestly we all want people to accept us for our true selves. One can only be happy with another person (honestly, 100% happy) if they love themselves. To Nobody's imperfect, each of us are perfect in our own ways, those who embrace their flaws are "perfect" To embrace imperfection is to let go of the need to be right, or look good, all of the time.

It's never easy, but life wasn't designed to be a breeze. It's the challenges you face, the adventurous thrill ride that makes life enjoyable, get messy learn for your mistakes, use all that you have to your advantage. For when you finally accept yourself, and stop worrying what others think of you, can you truly be happy and finally realize how amazing life is.
Remember this little tidbit of advice: They love you out there. Just as you are. Loud but funny. Timid but sincere. Emotional but always there to give you advice. Aggressive but always able to rustle up film tickets or restaurant table bookings at short notice. You see, others know these `imperfections' of yours to be mere quirks! So, join the gang, won't you? Start to love yourself.

(still need to finish)

2008

2008-02-05T13:08:00.001-08:00

2008? what?

This upcoming New Year, (or maybe it already is the new year, depending on when you read this) is a chance to "start over", reinvent yourself, redefine who you are, and to begin a new chapter or volume in your book.
With the upcoming entrance of the year 2008 we seem to be constantly surrounded with the chatter and pressure to create a list of our resolutions as the muffled wind howls outside the door; it is easy to sadly get caught up in the things we wish we did but did not get done in 2007. We sometimes forget that things on our to-do list do not instantly disappear at the stroke of midnight on December 31 (Jan 1st) each year. Some tasks slop over messily from 11:59 PM to 12:01 AM. Some tasks simply take a long time.
As humans we tend to like hold a belief that this new year mark the start of better days. Yet when we grieve on all the "negative" things of the previous year, the natural instinctual tendency is to stand at the threshold of a new year looking back instead of looking forward. We seem to have a subconscious fear that to move on seems like an act of betrayal of or abandonment of the one we love.We all have learned a lot this past year in our on ways and each of us have experienced personal grief. We know we are not the only ones who grieve, yet sometimes we feel as though we are the only one, lost and imprisoned in our own minds/selves, but remember we still survive, even though at times we questioned if the struggle was worth it; each of us have tasted the bitterness of loss but have not allowed it to destroy us. None of us can do it alone. We need each other to lean on and celebrate our newness. Just like the Temptations song "Sometime in our lives we all have pain We all have sorrow But if we are wise we know that there's Always tomorrow Lean on me when you're not strong and Ill be your friend, ill help you carry on for it wont be long till I'm gonna need somebody to lean on." Be that one person whom people can turn to, have that magnetic personality that everyone strives for.Do onto others how you would want to be treated, cliche i know but it does hold water/truth.
Past is the past, yet during this turn of the new year look back embrace the good old days; for when you sing "Auld Lang Syne" the "New Years Song' (which actually originated in Scotland not by Robert Burns)the song is about the "long long ago" or "for old time sake" So don't forget the past, instead learn from your mistakes and use it to your advantage.
Make this new year, the best it can be, even if you don't accomplish everything you hope, live life to the fullest, enjoy every days as if it were your last. Have fun, screw what other people think, for in reality, all you have is yourself. Learn to love yourself in all your "flaws." They are what make you unique. be who you want to be, do what you want to do and don't let anyone get in your way of accomplishing your goals, dreams and desires.

Must Read

2008-02-05T13:07:00.001-08:00

Book List - my must read list

Random blog/post I know but I love to read, and have made a list of books that are on my "To Read" / " Must Read" list
Anyone have any other suggestions that i should add to the list?

Currently Reading:
The Moral Animal: Why We Are, the Way We Are: The New Science of Evolutionary Psychology By Robert Wright
"The new Darwinian social scientists are fighting a doctrine that has dominated their fields for much of this century: the idea that biology doesn't much matter -- that the uniquely malleable human mind, together with the unique force of
culture, has severed our behavior from its evolutionary roots; that there is no
inherent human nature driving human events, but that, rather, our essential
nature is to be driven"

Next Up On the List (in no order)
* Awakenings by Oliver Sacks

*World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks

*This Is Your Brain on Music: The Science of a Human Obsession by Daniel J. Levtin

*The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference by Malcolm Gladwell

* Blink: the Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell

*Moral Minds: How Nature Designed Our Universal Sense of Right and Wrong By Marc Hauser

*Freedom for the Thought That We Hate: A Biography of the First Amendment by anthony Lewis

*The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins

*Strangers To Oursleves:Discovering The Adaptive Unconscious by Timothy D. WIlson

*Intuition: Its Powers and Perils (Yale Nota Bene) by David G. Meyers

*Phantoms in the Brain: Probing the Mysteries of the Human Mind by by V. S. Ramachandran, Sandra Blakeslee

* Stealing Lincoln's Body by Thomas J. Craughwell

*The World Is Flat: A Brief History of the Twenty-first Century by Thomas L. Friedman

* From Secrets to Policy by Mark M. Lowenthal

*Silent Warfare: Understanding the World of Intelligence by Abram N. Shulsky and Gary J. Schmitt

* The world without us by Alan Weisman

* The Lost Civilization of Homo Supersapiens: Evolution Did not End with by Jos Rogiers

* From Lucy To Language by Donald Johnson

* Gomorrah by Roberto Saviano

* Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt

*The End of America: Letter of Warning to a Young Patriot by Naomi Wolf

*Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace . . . One School at a Time by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin

*We Tell Ourselves Stories in Order to Live: Collected Nonfiction by Jon Didion

The iGen

2008-02-05T13:06:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the iGen (added more)

(FYI.. this is a work in progress, i am not done with this yet, i just wanted to share what i have thus far)

We have grown up with the tagline of the electronic age, the Millennials, the Internet generation (iGen), Nintendo generation, yet in the early years our attention spans were not being held hostage by electronics as they are now. We've witnessed the birth of the internet in 1992, which as much of a positive impact it's had on the world, the rise of the internet, has been perhaps the greatest technological set back to human communication skills. Since the beginning of man humans have developed and evolved with the changing culture. Nations developed their own languages, children were raised with an understanding of some form of written and oral communication, the brains were engrained to appreciate the beauty of the written/oral language and the diversity of syntax, grammar, consistency, and clarity importance to know foreign languages. Today, we seem to be traveling back in time on a downward spiral, to an era where "phrases" are abbreviated (now becoming a weird form of mnemonics) let alone truncated to a language of illiterate jumble of numbers and consonants, the art of using beautiful expressive language now one has to delve/ decipher the mumble of dashes- ascii/- emodicons. There was a time when people did not have the "luxury" of spell check, and if they made an error, your only options were whiteout or redo that page, a time when people actually learned how to spell and use proper grammar. There was a time were you had to write your own essays and term papers they did not have sites (no internet) to purchase prewritten papers, or a time when Spark Notes was used as a study helper instead of being used in place of reading the actual book.

I am such a kid at heart. Sure I made have a blurred vision of how things where in the past, when I was younger, things may not be that dramatically different from how it was in my youth generation to how things are now. TV shows and Movies these days are horrendous (okay there are some decent ones out there, but they seem to be a diamond in the rough. We used to embrace the outdoors. Remember climbing any and all trees and building make-shift tree houses? Or how about building forts in people's backyards or in random fields creating secret hide-outs with your best friends, yet to create it sometimes you have to become adventurous by bushwhacking your way through the roses and thorny plants but in the end your battle scars were made victorious but how amazing your fort was? All the fun times spent creating forts and fortresses in your homes using blankets, sheets, towels, pillows and whatever else we could get our hands on/think of in the attempt to build the best fortress ever. I remember in my youth, though I still do this now, when I loved to get lost in the midnight stars, just laying in the fields or my driveway looking up trying to find shapes and play connect the dots with the twinkling stars. Looking up and being able to see for what seemed forever, realizing how small we all actually are, but how beautiful it all is. Even during the daytime relaxing and sitting with friends trying to find shapes of animals, flowers, etc in the pillow like clouds. During the rain, we'd run outside and play in the puddles, or in the neighborhood park, we didn't care about getting down and dirty (perverts.. I'm not talking sexually here I mean like literally falling down in the mud), we loved getting soaking wet then drink hot cocoa by the fire place. Okay okay I'll admit all of this today, and it's amazingly fun. Yet sadly people these days have lost interest with the little things life has to offer.

Whatever happened to the good old days? Think back to how things were around 10 to 15 years ago; remember the types movies we grew up on and the television shows we watched? the lifestyle that we (the majority) of us led? A time when people actually used land line phones to call up our friends for homework help our to see if they wanted to play, an era in which the majority of telephones still had cords, it's shocking I know, yes we once did not have the freedom to walk and talk, hah We actually hand-wrote letters/cards to our friends, family, pin-pals. etc, and got excited/giddy every time we received one in the mail (snail mail).

We grew up spending hours on end running/playing around outdoors, playing with friends from the split second the school bell rang to mark the end of the day in elementary school up until the dusk, even then we pleased with our parents to let finish whatever we we're doing or we would race home to catch re-runs of our favorite television shows (remember TGIF? or even god ol' Nick? or when MTV was music television?). We grew up with a daily unstructured outdoor playtime, where girls and boys spent long afternoons playing basketball, hopscotch, jump roping, hula-hoping, skip-its, and a time where you didn't care if you got all bruised, dirty cut up while playing games (or maybe that was just me?), kids went on random outdoor adventures, sure some of if was make believe trips, but at least we were having fun and stimulating our minds. Children spent hours on end bike riding for fun (now less than 36% of kids bike); the glorious games of red-rover-red-rover, freeze tag, 4-square, tetherball, handball, dodge ball, and many more were an almost daily activity, it seems as though our time after school hours was consumed with the outdoors, we in a way getting exercise but never once seemed to look at it that way, since we were laughing and smiling the whole way through.

We grew up in a time when kids cared more about owning the best slammer so we could dominate at pogs and play for keeps; remember not wanting to play your favorite pogs because you didn't want to give it up/ if you played for keeps and you lost you'd try to convince the others that you never agreed to play keep-sies; some of us (myself included) would read comic books then precede to trade with your friends books for the week. We spent time getting lost in as well as the steady decline in youth spending time in museums, zoos, parks and playgrounds (I still love doing this, though), a time when we thought it was a treat and something special to go to out to the movies. We seemed to not be over consumed with technology, half of our lives we did things now considered the "old fashioned way"

If you think about it, we are probably the last generation to see/use laser disc, 35 mm film (or any size print frame) or Polaroids; let alone vinyl records (12in, 10in, 7in) or even 8 tracks, VHS tapes, cassette/tape players (remember how annoying it was when the tape came off the spools and became a gigantic mess of tape?), Kids these days are so spoiled, what with their entire networks of cartoons showing them all day long, remember waking up extra early on Saturday and Sunday morning just to catch your favorite cartoons, and how cartoons (minus magic school bus and a few others) only ran on the weekends? It was a time when the movies and TV shows weren't plagued with reality television (kids never wasted away watching other people live their lives, we actually lived our own through our own eyes and experiences). The world was not over obsessed (as we are now) with the lives of those in the media (minus Spice Girls, haha). We actually had shows and movies that all kids could relate to, they were coming of age, some were inspiring, almost all ended with a moral- some shows were even educational! Almost every time you turned on the tube you got something from watching it (as for these days you just lose brain cells from their stupidity), actually had actors/actresses who played their ages. Our imaginations were stimulated thanks in Part to Mr. Rogers or LeVar Burton for creating Reading Rainbow; now imagination is sucked out of children by simple a cathode nipple Most girl wanted to play football, thanks to Ice Box; go on a treasure adventure (Goonies) or become a babysitter at 12 thanks to the BSC! The nightly news, actually was about what was going on in the world and in the states, where as now the top headline story is what actress/ actor is pregnant or going to jail,etc. Honestly who cares?

In the late 80s, early 90s they were fewer grey areas between right and wrong.. Our society has become so permissive that what's wrong today is right tomorrow, our culture cares too much about the image of celebrities, people are too obsessed in the "scandals" of those celebrities and sadly kids are using them as role models. What ever happened to being inspired by someone who actually made a difference/impact in the world? Why is it that kids know more about the lives of the movie stars/singers than they do about the world around them? How did a culture of striving for individualism, intelligence, cultural awareness, deep experience and long inquiry become hijacked by the venal instincts of a single existence of a greedy generation?

We've witness to the fall of the Berlin Wall, Iraqi invasion of Kuwait, NATO, watched/read about Margaret Thatcher's resign(ation); we also witnessed the break up of the Soviet Union. We're one of millions glued to TV screens during the OJ Simpson Trails; we were alive to feel the racial tensions during the Million Man March, which caused Americans to be more concerned about racial equality than at any time since the 1960s. We've seen radical changes and advancements in science: Dolly was cloned, extra solar planets orbiting stars other than the sun were detected, Hubble Space Telescope was launched into Space, Hal-Bopp showed itself for the first time in over 4,300 years, DNA (blood/fingerprints/saliva..etc) was finally used in court cases/ paternity tests..etc; we discovered/invented genetically engineered food "safe" enough for human consumption - gave the ability to pack food with nutrients. Dark matter and energy, were confirmed to be real/true in their existence .etc, We've experienced and/or have been witness to a decent amount of events in our short lifetime. We were one of the last youth generations that were not that desensitized to murder/death. These days the average kid witnesses over 1500 murders (in which 99% are thanks to television- not real murders) before s/he is twelve years old. Even with the rise of news being accessible 24-7 via internet and t.v. today's average citizens are about as able to name their leaders, and are about as aware of major news events, as was the public nearly 20 years ago, pre-internet era, pre-CNN, when people read the newspaper daily. People seem to be over consumed with filling their brains with knowledge of celebrities then they are of the world around them; they can name who is sleeping with whom, who is pregnant, who just broke up.. but when asked about What Countries are involved in the Axis of Evil? or name 5 countries in Africa? or even What the President talked about during his State of the Union address on Monday; they are clueless and have no idea. Americans read more tabloids than newspapers. Book reading seems to be a dying past time and now less than 10% of Americans read (books) on a daily basis, and sorry, but those gossip and fashion magazines do not count as true reading.

some interesting information on Reading Rainbow (i found lots more on this but i wont bore you, though i found it interesting:
Based on 141 shows- 585 books were read, the characters featured
66% white (382 books); 39% black (228 books); 22% hispanic (129 books)
17% native american (99 books); 16% asian (92 books); 6% other ethnic characters (33 books); 40% mixed ethnic (235 books); 11% featured those with disabilities (65 books); 38% old (223 books)

blah

2007-12-10T08:27:00.000-08:00

I guess it's just that time of year, but for some reason, I am very depressed, like tears flowing from my eyes depressed. Yes i have it better off than most people but I can not help it. Tears stream down my eyes as I sit at my desk at work, and for a reason I am not exactly too sure. I hate this feeling of depression for reasons that i can not put to words! I hate not being able to know why i am depressed or not being able to explain it to anyone. UNale to have them help me turn my frown upside down. i feel like i just need to crash and burn for me to be happy again. I desperately miss my parents even thought they have only been gone two days so far.. i still have 12- 13 more days including today wihtout them. I miss them

i miss having a boyfriend, someone who loves me to death, someone who thinks the wold of me, treat me with respect, someone who sings to me with songs like.. Wonderful Tonight or anything of that matter, those lovely songs that make you melt on spot; someone who thinks I'm gorgeous without makeup- naked - in sweats.. etc. I want to find someone who will understand me and participate in my crazy antics. Someone to turn my frown upside down, someone who will go out of their way to make me happy, someone who listens to me.

I am weird yes I understand, yes I may be very unique, yes im not you're average blonde hair green eyed girl I give all I can, i give till i can not give anymore and ill still give, i will give everything i have and then some. I will always be there for you even if i don' know you. I love to laugh till my face hurts. I am a huge klutz and end up with bruises from who knows what or how..
Starting Friday ( the day my parents left) i have felt depressed/sad/lonely, i even broke down and cried in front of friends, my parents and broke down and sobbed alone in my house, yes the whole tears streaming down my face, the works. why has it suddenly hit me so hard? i have been strong for so long, and now out of the blue to break down? i don't get it, i don't understand.

I hate feeling like this, i hate feeling sad and alone. maybe its the change of season as davey says, but i don't know maybe its because i've put up a front for so long that i've just gotten to weak to hold it any longer. Maybe it's because i feel like that certain someone wont ever come or that i'll always be lied to or hurt on purpose, or get fucked over and over like i have been or since i don't have much if any of a backbone that ill constantly get walked over and over and get treated like shit and used, and told things that i want to hear only to attempt to get something out of me.

I don't know anymore, i thought i usually always had the answer but i guess not. i guess i just tell myself things as a comfort, in a sense lie to myself that everything will be alright as a sense of protection, so I wont get hurt, or hurt as badly.I hate sitting here and complaining though it seems like all i have been doing as of late, and i do realize there are a lot worse things going on in the world than my own little problems. but i hate this feeling of being alone, worthless, etc.. I've fucked up some and have gotten fucked over a lot in my past.. and i know there's nothing i can do about that and all i can do is learn from the past and take it on to my future experiences, but still it sucks

why can i love and be loved in return.

i guess this whole holiday season is getting to me :'(

This Time of Year

2007-12-09T02:20:00.000-08:00

So here's my first blog in this blogger... one of the many that are out there

Its that time of year were everything is winding down and we begin to look back on the past year's adventures, through the highs and the lows, the laughter and the tears. We begin to think about the upcoming year, writing our own concluding phrases before we begin with a new chapter, a new volume of our life. We start preparing out our new year's resolution, taking the current years experiences/regrets,and all those things you procrastinated while attempting to set goals to insure they will be completed this time around. This Holiday season is one to be spent with family or friends. Thanksgiving we give thanks (s well as our tummies a workout), Christmas/the winter season we spread laughter, innocence, joy and love we reminisce, old memories refreshed from collection of tree ornaments, Stories are told passing down from one generation to the next. It's an excuse for families to reunite. Gifts of all levels are exchanged, a time where the little things count the most. We spend so much time, weeks in fact preparing for the day, shopping, cooking, decorating, wrapping, reviving up the anticipation and excitement, all for the moment to be over in mere minutes, living rooms filled left isolated minus the bits of ripped and crumpled wrapping paper left dead in it's place, while all the new gifts are being explored.
The temperature lowers, the air seems to be filled with romance, lovers cuddle amongst blankets by the fireplaces. Standing by each other's side waiting for the ball to drop, the clock to strike 12 AM, bells chime to ring in the new year, everyone's lips pressed against their lovers.
The air is crisp and sweet and scents of fresh baked cookies and pie fill the air.

Even though I don't have a person to snuggle up with I still love this time of year :D

We have to remember that some have it better off than others, and as cliche as it sounds we should give back to those less fortunate. Instead of donating money go to your local homeless shelter and serve them a hot meal; or go to the senior retirement home and serve lunch, they'll be so happy that a younger person is doing this, that kids actually do care about "old people"; or even volunteer at the hospital and read to those in the cancer or burn unit or in the ICU. It's such a rewarding experience to see people's faces light up with smiles and endless thanks, just knowing you made a differences in someone's life is something that last forever.

I will update later on what went down in this year.. boy was it a roller coaster.