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I guess it's just that time of year, but for some reason, I am very depressed, like tears flowing from my eyes depressed. Yes i have it better off than most people but I can not help it. Tears stream down my eyes as I sit at my desk at work, and for a reason I am not exactly too sure. I hate this feeling of depression for reasons that i can not put to words! I hate not being able to know why i am depressed or not being able to explain it to anyone. UNale to have them help me turn my frown upside down. i feel like i just need to crash and burn for me to be happy again. I desperately miss my parents even thought they have only been gone two days so far.. i still have 12- 13 more days including today wihtout them. I miss them

i miss having a boyfriend, someone who loves me to death, someone who thinks the wold of me, treat me with respect, someone who sings to me with songs like.. Wonderful Tonight or anything of that matter, those lovely songs that make you melt on spot; someone who thinks I'm gorgeous without makeup- naked - in sweats.. etc. I want to find someone who will understand me and participate in my crazy antics. Someone to turn my frown upside down, someone who will go out of their way to make me happy, someone who listens to me.

I am weird yes I understand, yes I may be very unique, yes im not you're average blonde hair green eyed girl I give all I can, i give till i can not give anymore and ill still give, i will give everything i have and then some. I will always be there for you even if i don' know you. I love to laugh till my face hurts. I am a huge klutz and end up with bruises from who knows what or how..
Starting Friday ( the day my parents left) i have felt depressed/sad/lonely, i even broke down and cried in front of friends, my parents and broke down and sobbed alone in my house, yes the whole tears streaming down my face, the works. why has it suddenly hit me so hard? i have been strong for so long, and now out of the blue to break down? i don't get it, i don't understand.

I hate feeling like this, i hate feeling sad and alone. maybe its the change of season as davey says, but i don't know maybe its because i've put up a front for so long that i've just gotten to weak to hold it any longer. Maybe it's because i feel like that certain someone wont ever come or that i'll always be lied to or hurt on purpose, or get fucked over and over like i have been or since i don't have much if any of a backbone that ill constantly get walked over and over and get treated like shit and used, and told things that i want to hear only to attempt to get something out of me.

I don't know anymore, i thought i usually always had the answer but i guess not. i guess i just tell myself things as a comfort, in a sense lie to myself that everything will be alright as a sense of protection, so I wont get hurt, or hurt as badly.I hate sitting here and complaining though it seems like all i have been doing as of late, and i do realize there are a lot worse things going on in the world than my own little problems. but i hate this feeling of being alone, worthless, etc.. I've fucked up some and have gotten fucked over a lot in my past.. and i know there's nothing i can do about that and all i can do is learn from the past and take it on to my future experiences, but still it sucks

why can i love and be loved in return.

i guess this whole holiday season is getting to me :'(

This Time of Year

So here's my first blog in this blogger... one of the many that are out there

Its that time of year were everything is winding down and we begin to look back on the past year's adventures, through the highs and the lows, the laughter and the tears. We begin to think about the upcoming year, writing our own concluding phrases before we begin with a new chapter, a new volume of our life. We start preparing out our new year's resolution, taking the current years experiences/regrets,and all those things you procrastinated while attempting to set goals to insure they will be completed this time around. This Holiday season is one to be spent with family or friends. Thanksgiving we give thanks (s well as our tummies a workout), Christmas/the winter season we spread laughter, innocence, joy and love we reminisce, old memories refreshed from collection of tree ornaments, Stories are told passing down from one generation to the next. It's an excuse for families to reunite. Gifts of all levels are exchanged, a time where the little things count the most. We spend so much time, weeks in fact preparing for the day, shopping, cooking, decorating, wrapping, reviving up the anticipation and excitement, all for the moment to be over in mere minutes, living rooms filled left isolated minus the bits of ripped and crumpled wrapping paper left dead in it's place, while all the new gifts are being explored.
The temperature lowers, the air seems to be filled with romance, lovers cuddle amongst blankets by the fireplaces. Standing by each other's side waiting for the ball to drop, the clock to strike 12 AM, bells chime to ring in the new year, everyone's lips pressed against their lovers.
The air is crisp and sweet and scents of fresh baked cookies and pie fill the air.


Even though I don't have a person to snuggle up with I still love this time of year :D


We have to remember that some have it better off than others, and as cliche as it sounds we should give back to those less fortunate. Instead of donating money go to your local homeless shelter and serve them a hot meal; or go to the senior retirement home and serve lunch, they'll be so happy that a younger person is doing this, that kids actually do care about "old people"; or even volunteer at the hospital and read to those in the cancer or burn unit or in the ICU. It's such a rewarding experience to see people's faces light up with smiles and endless thanks, just knowing you made a differences in someone's life is something that last forever.


I will update later on what went down in this year.. boy was it a roller coaster.