three years and five days. Mutilated.

"Wake up!." I told myself. "Why cant I move? ... What is going on? .... why am I sweating? ... No. No. No. This can't be happening!! I must... must be having a nightmare." The stifling hot air made it nearly impossible to breath, with each gasping breath tears flowed from my closed eyes. " Oooohhhh myyyyy goddddd OUUUCHHHHHHH, holy fucking. owwwwwieee shitt!" Words can not describe the horrible pain I was enduring, it felt as though I was a Thanksgiving turkey being sliced, diced, and carved to serve its drooling guests. "This must be a nightmare, this is a nightmare!... Only a dream... everything will be alright.. just open your eyes, and this will all go away. My friends are here, everything is safe, everything is fine." I reassured myself with each breath i took there was a faint after taste of cooper/iron...a faint taste/smell of blood filled the still air. I used every ounce of strength to open my eyes, "I think i can I think i can i think i can." finally my eyes flung open. The room was dark, and deathly still, the air was calm.. to calm.. "twas the middle of the night when Miss Clavel turns on her light and says, 'Something is not right,'" I mumbled to myself. A deathly sharp wave of pain rippled through my body. I heard the springs of my bed snap, as I looked forward I saw a shadow of a person crawling coming towards me, the full moon reflected of what seemed to be a meat cleaver... I screamed.. but no sound came out. I tried to get away but could not move. I was trapped in a perpetual nightmarish hell hole. I prayed that I was dreaming of those 'you choose the ending' or what happens next books we all read as kids... but no.. I was one of those girls we all read about in newspapers, heard about on the news and just gasped, everything that was happening to me real, this was no fantasy world, no matter how much I wish it could be true, I couldn't chose a new ending, I was dreading I was going to end up tomorrow's headline. "Whyy? why me?" My eyes felt like Niagara Falls as tears flowed from my eyes. I couldn't move but could feel everything everything that was being done to me and there was nothing I could do to save or protect myself .. I was being mutilated, violently and brutally raped, my innocent ripped shreds, my soul shattered into a million pieces, you could hear my pride and dignity fly out of the room. Slowly this man's face merged from the shadows, his face being lit by the moon, his sweaty body rubbed against mine as he slowly climbed on top of me. "JAMES?.. no.. no.. what? no.. this isn't.. it couldn't.. no no no my best friend would never... no! I am just seeing things.. going crazy, no.. he's my protector not my mutilator." I cried as James's eyes locked with mine, the boy whom I've been best friends with for over 10 years, the boy I grew up with, everything all the good memories we shared seemed to vanish, my heart sunk and shattered a million times over, my world exploded. It wasn't him looking back at me, yes it was James, but his eyes, the man behind the eyes, was someone else, a beast.
The door flung open, in comes my friend Katie, screaming and charging towards the bed she pushes James off me and knocks him unconscious. Seconds after her eyes turn to me, her hand immediately covers her dropped jaw she screamed in horror and cried, and said what sounded like a broken record "OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG melissa! omg! and rushed to the phone and calls an ambulance, police, and even tried to get the whole swat team over. Still trapped in a paralytic state unable to move, unable to talk I was in the worst pain of my life, not only physically but mentally every inch of my body screamed of utter pain, I was mutilated by my best fucking friend, double whammy. When the paramedics arrived I was laying in a pool of my own blood, sweat, and tears. I found out later that not only was raped but apparently this fucker stuck a knife or meat cleaver up me and tore my insides to shreds, I had to get stitches, around 40 - 80 I believe[i am okay now], was given a rape test (which.. for the record is the most humiliating thing ever.. i almost kicked the nurse in the face, How do they honestly expect someone who had just had their pride torn form them to allow someone to touch you, to in a way reenact the horror. With each question the detectives asked I was brought back to a few hours earlier, forced to relive it over and over and over again. For the next two weeks, I remained in a catatonic state from the shock of what just happened to me.
Finally after a few months I was able to kinda sorta talk about it.. but it wasn't easy. I was in therapy, and also volunteered at a the hospital and the battered woman and children's center (still do) to help girls who have been in my situation as well as to warn of these girls to help them never to get into a similar situation.

I never will be the same girl I was before this happened, but I won't or at least will try not to let it ruin my life, I don't want him to have "victory." he doesn't deserve to have that much of an impact on the rest of my life. I'll admit, it is now hard for me to trust guys 100%, when i get intimate, sometimes I get flashbacks and cry because of the flashbacks... yes i know this sounds utterly pathetic, but there is nothing I can do about it, no matter how hard i try to block out the memories, they still come back to haunt me.


It's been three years and five days later, I still have flashbacks of this night, certain smells trigger memories, I can't watch someone getting or pretending to get raped on TV/ Movies, i mean I can, but it's hard and I'll start to cry.


(To be continued)