Alert! Alert! I have finally gone and done it; something not many people expected would happen but alas it has. I have cracked and crumbled and am awaiting someone to catch me rolling down this mountainous mess; I am in lack of better words a complete monstrosity. Everything that I have been bottling up for god knows how long has finally caused me to crumble. It's to the point that I don't even know exactly why I am sad or feeling this way, it's pathetic (in my opinion anyway) to have this weighty "unknown cause" feeling of despondence (..etc). I guess the world will never know. Funny how I am majoring in Psychology yet I can't even diagnose myself *sigh* damn subconscious!
FYI this is not a pity-party blog, just expressing my current feelings/state of mind.
I have been in a restless sleep mode for the past week, tossing and turning, unable to put my mind at rest, thoughts buzzing around like a swarm of bees on a deadly hunt for pollen. Where am I going with my life? What am I sewing now that I'll reap later; every action, every move I take, everything I do shapes and molds the future. We are at an age that we must stop making excuses for actions (or lack there of), in all honestly the only person you can blame is yourself or so the cliche saying goes; whether it hold water or not we all must start taking responsibly for our actions. Life is like a game of chess, you must (should) always think 5 steps ahead; okay sure one should spice up their lives via spontaneity, but in general think before you do, act, or say. Yes, I admit I don't live up to my "words of advice" in their entirety, I live my life by the beat of my own drum, or as Mia said, "You actually go to the beat of your own 'marching band'"
I love life, I do I love my friends, parents, sister + her family, my extended family.. etc and as much as I try to be positive 100% of the time, I am only human and am cursed to see the other side of the grass be it greener or barren. Coming to terms with the notion that those you love can turn around and use/betray you is a lesson I am currently learning to wrap my head around; I am too goddamn nice and pay for my friends all the god damn time, they owe me well over $2,000 combined only including the past few months tabulations. *eeps* Sadly they don't do much in return to in some way repay me let alone even to thank me!
Maybe I am waiting for someone to hold my hand and help me blow away these gloomy clouds that have seemed to take residence above my head. A guy who will sing me to sleep using his melodies to ward off the evil and wrong as the musical notes stitch up the wounds around my heart and open wounds using his' song to putt me at ease carving a permanent smile which encompasses my entire self. Maybe I am just waiting for that metaphorical light-bulb to go off above my head, for me to find my knack, my calling, to find that one thing (especially in the job department) something that I wake up with a smile on my face excited to go do what a love, something that I have so much passion for that I don't consider it a job, let myself define what I do, instead of what I do defining me, that one thing that whenever I describe it I become giddy and could go on for hours;and for those who have found this, or at least think they have, hold on tight and cherish it. Or Maybe.. just maybe.. this is a sign of good things to come and I just have to strap in for this roller coaster ride, for it seems that things get bad even hit rock bottom before the soar rocketing up towards the skies. Just got to take everything as it comes, learn and absorb in my surroundings.
But as for now, I have to just attempt to keep myself busy and not to think about my current dismal state, ignoring the cacophony of negative thoughts, paint on a smile and just reflect and attempt to on an archeological adventure to get to the root of this.. this... this... whatever you would call this.
I due time I will bounce back and be little miss crazy me once again, *crosses fingers*
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